Tag Archives: struggle

The Struggle is Real: A Rant About Tampons

15 Sep

Let me start off by saying fellas…this isn’t for you. Unless you want to hear me talk candidly about my lady bits. Then sure. Enjoy (even though you’ll probably turn away horrified very shortly).

Ladies…you know what I don’t get?

Cardboard fucking tampons. Amiright?

When I was 15, I used my first ever cardboard tampon and it was literally the size of a baby’s arm. Seriously, tampon manufacturers (who can only be men because I don’t know why a woman would torture another woman like this)? You expect a 15 year old girl to shove a cardboard tube the size of an arm up her vagina? Right. Okay.

So yes, I was 15 and I suddenly started my period while I was hours away from home, with only a convenience store at my disposal and no money. Forced to beg my friend’s mom for mercy, all she had was this huge ass tampon, so naturally I had to oblige.

I went into the bathroom, dropped my pants and sat down, and pulled apart the paper on this thing that looked like it had no business being shoved anywhere. And 1…2…3…

Nothing.

My hand wasn’t strong enough to put the damn thing in. So now I’m sitting in a gas station bathroom, pants around my ankles with this cardboard torture device that I can’t do anything with because someone decided they needed to pack 2 baby arms worth of cotton into a single baby arm sized cardboard tube.

The natural thing to do at this point would seem to be to give up. But you know what you can’t do? Give up. Because you are bleeding out of your god damn vagina.

Two hands it is.

I reach down with my left hand to hold it in place, and push with my right hand (you see, I’m right-handed). 1…2…3…

Nothing.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I don’t have a third hand, tampon manufacturers. I swear to god you need two hands to hold that shit in place. Of course the cardboard is just papery enough to get dry your vajajay to something likened to a desert, but is just plastic-y enough so that those “grips” don’t even come close and you find yourself ramming this thing into your cervix, desperately hoping the cotton part is coming out.

It was like wrestling a bear. Fucking feel like Chuck Norris after that. AND WHAT, TAMPON!?

I vowed to never in my life use one of those horrible things ever, ever again.

But for some reason, every time I need a tampon, the person who has one only has CARDBOARD.

Hello crazy cardboard tampon women…2014 rang and they said IT’S CALLED PLASTIC. Your vagina will thank you. Unless you already ripped it off. In which case I’m glad because you use CARDBOARD TAMPONS!

So please ladies…ditch the cardboard tampons. And tampon manufacturers…stop making them. Thanks.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Where Do You Find a Juicer?

25 Jan

You know…to make lemonade…

If you read my last post, you know that my life has been a little crazy lately. For whatever reason, my anxiety is seeming to peak today, and it’s driving me crazy. I haven’t been to a doctor about it, because I don’t think its a big enough issue to need medication, but it still happens from time to time.

Point being, I’m having a whole bunch of difficulty getting rid of the anxiety today. No one around to talk it out with and the only busy work I have to do is stressful and doesn’t require enough thought to take my mind off of anything. I want to go enjoy the great outdoors at the new place, but thinking about goofing around when I have so much to do causes me even more stress and anxiety.

Boo.

When I am this stressed out about everything, I try to find something to inspire me to move forward. Really, that’s my problem – not moving forward. My stress stops me dead in my tracks. You folks might think its weird, but in situations like this when I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to get my life together, I frequently look to astrology.

Do I completely believe that our lives are governed by the planets and the sun? Not necessarily, but maybe.

Is my horoscope often very close to how life is going for me? Usually eerily so, and I almost exclusively check it at the end of the day.

Do I find inspiration and guidance from my horoscope? Absolutely.

Now I don’t always read my horoscope, but I find myself doing it more when I feel neck deep and life is winning. Relationship issues, horoscope says that the love gods are on my side and I need to focus on [insert relationship something or other here]. Whether its communication or romance, or its echoing my frustration, it helps me stop and be more objective about the situation. The same goes with work. When I feel like its consuming my life, or I can’t even deal with my job anymore, I find inspiration to solve those problems.

And before you discredit me as crazy, I think this is the real use of religion, whatever religion that may be. I find that stories about awesomeness of some godly figure and how people used that to pull them through rough times to be incredibly inspiring. A lot of these stories have good rules to live your life by, whether you believe in an almighty being or not.

What inspires you when you are struggling with life? Do you ever turn to things like this? What’s your best method for dealing with anxiety?