Right Guy, Wrong Time

I want to say that I hear about this all the time…girl meets guy, guy is amazing, but its just not the right time in her life, or she is too busy, or work or whatever.

But I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard this line outside of a movie.

For the first time in my life, however, I feel like this is just the case. I want nothing more than to find a nice fellow for myself, but it just isn’t the right time. I even want it to be the right time, but it isn’t.

Had I had a significant other before my dad got diagnosed with cancer, I would be so grateful right now – someone to comfort me, someone to be supportive when I just feel like I can’t move forward, just someone – but that isn’t the case. Even though I would love to have all of that right now instead of struggling to keep my head above water, I know that if I started a relationship right now I would be neglectful and needy.

That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t rule out love, if it just so happened to fall in my lap. I just don’t have the ability to seek it out. I find myself in my down time sometimes thinking ‘I should do this to get a SO’ or ‘I should put the moves on him’ and then I snap myself back to reality and get this gut feeling that its a horrible idea and sounds like a lot of work.

That is a statement I’ve never said before either: Relationships are hard work. Never before have I felt that way. Amazing, isn’t it?

Fortunately, there is nothing that sways my belief that if it is the right person, it will come in the right time.

Have you ever felt that it really, truly just wasn’t the right time to start a relationship? Was there someone courting you, and how did you handle that? 

The Territoriality of the Female Homosapien

This is a topic I’ve wanted to write about for quite some time, but for whatever reason the words just don’t seem to come like I want them to.

The idea first struck me when within a week a few months ago, I had heard it spoken and talked about in three different mediums. One of them was actually Girl Code, a show on MTV that is quite entertaining and often enough relateable.

So what am I actually talking about? Territoriality, specifically of women over their male friends. We’ve all been there…at least I know I have. When I was in high school, and really even up to this day, I struggled frequently with accepting any girl that my best friend liked. She was either not pretty enough, not nice enough, not right enough. I think we often use the excuse that we just want what’s best for our best friend, and in our eyes, nothing short of perfect is good enough for our perfect bestie, but it’s just an excuse. We do want the best, of course, but really, we want him for ourselves, even if we have him forever friend-zoned.

Just think about it. A new girl means your best guy friend isn’t spending as much time with you as he used to. It’s even worse if you are single.

And that’s when we start getting catty. To him, to her. And we make excuses, and sometimes even go as far as breaking them up.

But it isn’t our place. Yes, friends are important. Yes, we care about them and want whats best. And yes, sometimes that isn’t us, because significant others are important, too.

Really, there is room for both significant others and friends. No need to get catty, ladies.

Can you think of a time when you were territorial over a guy friend? How do you deal with it? Do you become catty? Why do you think girls do this, and do you think men do this with their best female friends?

What is a Nice Guy – Do They Exist?

Nice guys finish last.

Girls only like assholes, not nice guys like me.

You hear that statement all the time, and it’s usually from a very specific guy. Giving this person the benefit of the doubt, it’s usually a genuine guy who doesn’t use women for sex, wants an honest to goodness relationship with a girl, and while respecting women, finds himself single 90% of the time.

Unfortunately for nice guy, he is single because he won’t make the first move. It’s a vicious cycle, too, because the assholes get the girls because they actually ask them out.

Oh, and don’t forget the nice girls who actually do finish last. The nice guys want the bitchy girls who are high maintenance, while the rest of us, who actually refuse to date the assholes, end up single. We want a nice guy. But nice guys don’t want nice girls, now do they?

And don’t tell me that nice girls should make the first move. Been there. Rejected.

That’s all beside the point.

I want to know if this “nice guy” even actually exists, or if it’s just a ploy for us to feel sorry for them because they are single.

The person I picture in my head when someone says “nice guy” is a man who would give a woman a chance, be honest with her, never use a woman for sex, cares about what his significant other has to say, and would never lead a woman on. He would apologize if he did something hurtful on accident and he wouldn’t just ignore her. (Note: I did not say pushover, suck-up, or clingy at any point.)

Women – what is your idea of a “nice guy”? Men – are you a nice guy, why/why not? Do nice guys even exist? What about nice girls?

The End-of-Relationship Asshole

If you’ve been keeping up with my 30 day letter challenge, as you should be, you have read my letter to my ex boyfriend. You might have also read a comment from a friend about the situation, too.  Fadingsunlight wrote:

Why do perfectly decent human beings turn into jackasses when a relationship ends?

And it’s true…or it, at least, seems to be. My ex wasn’t for me, and that doesn’t really reflect anything about him other than I didn’t find the things he did during the relationship to be desirable (that doesn’t mean others won’t or don’t). He was, however, a decent human being.

He was genuine in his feelings, and I could never say that he was innately just a bad person. By that, I mean he wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt me, or lead me on knowing it would hurt me, or really just have no disregard for others.

Until we broke up, that is. It wasn’t even a bad breakup, but the second we broke it off he just became mean, vile, and petty. It wasn’t even a response to something I was doing – I hadn’t tried to contact him, and I was being completely civil (spare my rants to my best friend, but that’s expecting). It was of his own will to seek me out and be rude and disrespectful.

I don’t understand it at all.

Does fadingsunlight make a valid point in her comment? Do you agree that people who are generally not jerks become so after breaking up? Why do you think this happens? 

Dating an Introvert – Conflict

It’s no news that I’m an introvert. I mean, come on, I spend hours of my life alone, on my computer, writing. This can’t be a surprise.

So, to continue with yesterday’s dating theme, I was reading through some stuff on being an introvert and how to deal with us. A lot of the information hits the mark – like how you should not constantly ask us what’s wrong because we are quiet – but I found one little blurp in an article that really hit close to home.

It was about conflict.

[…] you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh – to an introvert.

I feel a little more at peace knowing that I’m not the only one who this is true for. I don’t mean to bring up an argument days later, but to me, the time in between has been spent cultivating my ideas about whatever it is I am arguing about, figuring out the most logical way to deal with the situation, and how to go about discussing it without getting mean.

Really, when I bring it up again, it’s to actually discuss the problem, come to a solution, and be happy with that solution.

And I’m a firm believer in not arguing while angry. So sue me. Here is the original, full text from the website (on the subject of conflict):

Conflict

Pros: Chances are that an introvert’s response to conflict, while slow in coming, will be a thoughtful one.

Cons: If you need to work out something right away, good luck. Introverts tend to need time for processing information before responding, so you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh — to an introvert.

Red Flag: Healthy arguments play a natural part in any relationship, but they require gaining closure of some sort for both parties. If you’re not careful and insistent on settling conflicts, nothing ever gets resolved… which can lead to resentment and distrust

You can read the full article, Tips for Dating an Introvert here.

Ever dated an introvert (or are you an introvert)? Have you ever found yourself doing this? How do you feel when your significant other brings up the topic of an argument days later?

A Date…What is That???

In my head, I have a very specific definition for what a date is. I think most of do, but as I was doing the mundane labor that is cleaning dog strays rooms at work today, I realized that not everyone’s definition of a “date” may be the same.

I became curious, so I looked it up on Google.

Some of the definitions relied on if there was a potential for sex at that point in time or in the future. Others were so vague that I couldn’t even differentiate between a date and just hanging out.

What is your definition of a date? What is the difference between going on a date with someone, and hanging out with someone? What do you think the best date to go on/take someone on is?

The Emphasis on Interests

Yesterday, while driving in the Poudre Canyon, I had some good quality girl time with a friend of mine. We discussed lots of different things, but one of them that kind of made me think deeper about it was lifestyle compatibility and the effect it has on dating.

When you first start dating (usually high school…right?), you like a person and they like you, so you enter into a relationship. I just had the realization last night that it isn’t conducive to do that for a relationship at this point in my life.

It doesn’t matter if I think guy A is attractive and has the personality of everything I’m looking for if our lifestyles don’t match. A super-into-nature kind of guy who goes out and backpacks for days at a time and “roughs it” regularly is going to be rather disappointed when I don’t want to partake.

Or the super-indoorsy kind of guy, who wholeheartedly refuses to go into nature with me will question when I start to get restless at not being able to enjoy him and nature simultaneously.

And I think therein lies a major problem for me. I’m often middle-of-the-road where my interests and lifestyle is concerned. I love being outside and I love video games and the interwebs, but I don’t like doing either thing exclusively. A couple hours on the computer…a couple hours sitting outside enjoying the weather and I’m set.

Those are just a couple of examples. I’m middle-of-the-road with a lot of things.

Do you think that lifestyle matching is an important part of having a successful, fulfilling relationship? What are some interests that you would need a significant other to have for your relationship to work? Would you consider yourself a middle-of-the-road person like me, or do you have very specific interests and lifestyle?

Off-Limits Attraction

There are so many different levels of attraction out there, and things that we are attracted to, that I’m sure at one point in time we’ve all been attracted to someone who was “off-limits”. From people who are “taken” to coworkers to teachers all the way to the cop that just pulled you over, there isn’t a shortage of these people either.

Whats your off-limits type? When is it okay to take your attraction to the next level?

The Pressure to Marry

 

My parents live 4 hours away from me, and because of college and working I rarely am able to see them. Yesterday, however, they came and visited me and left this evening.

At one point in a conversation with my mother, I mentioned someone’s husband. Bad choice. Her immediate response was “You need to start looking for one.”

*facepalm*

Of course, all the talk of getting a boyfriend and looking for one ensued. I really think expectations are highly influenced by her marriage to my father at age 19, and my sister’s marriage to her husband at 23. I turn 23 in November, with not a boyfriend in sight. I can’t say that I really am too effected by it, because many, many vet students get their spouses in vet school.

What kind of pressure do your parents put on you to get married? Do you get pressure from anywhere else? How do you handle it?

Blurring the Lines of Sexuality

Its already hard enough to find a mate as it is. At least for me, anyway. I can’t imagine its very easy for a gay person in a small town either. The pickings are low.

As we come to understand sexuality in humans more, and wish to ostracize various sexualities less, the lines continue to blur. That’s how human sexuality works, so the better we understand that, the better it is for everyone, but at some point, finding a mate would become nearly impossible.

The reason I bring this up is because of my relationship with Glee. Yes, Glee. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. And if you are currently judging me because I love Glee, well…I REGRET NOTHING!!!!

On Glee, the cast did a Born This Way cover in which they all wore shirts that said something about who they are. Kurt, a very obviously gay boy, wore a shirt that said “Likes Boys”. I’m absolutely in love with it, but it doesn’t have the same effect if I wore a shirt that said that. This led me to want to wear a shirt that says “Likes Girls”, but I can’t…because I don’t like girls. Apparently, I think a little bit like the actress who plays Quinn, because in a later live performance (or in public, or something) she donned the same shirt that says “Likes Girls”. The fandom blew up with talk about her being a lesbian, and about how no one had any idea.

Well, she doesn’t like girls. She likes boys. Cue mass confusion.

Here is the problem. If I wear a shirt that says “Likes Girls”, it would lead people to believe I’m a lesbian. With it being so difficult already to find a significant other, it doesn’t seem fair to me to broadcast to all the women looking for a potential girlfriend that I like girls, when I actually don’t. Not to mention it would make my own search more difficult, because then I would be off-limits to men. But wearing a “Likes Boys” shirt is on the verge of being like one of those screen tees that says thing like “hot” and “bad girl” (translation: tacky).

I still really want a version of the Lebanese shirt that Santana wears, as its an inside joke I’d likely have to explain.

Am I just thinking way too much into my clothing options? Is it fair to falsely advertise like this? Would you wear the shirt?