Tag Archives: sadness

A Bologna Sandwich

6 Jan

Sometimes, when you’re grieving, that’s all it takes.

Only a few days after my dad passed away, my mom made lunch for everyone. It just so happened that she was making fried bologna sandwiches, a childhood favorite of mine. If you haven’t had it, try it! It’s pretty damned good.

I put my sandwich together, held it in one hand and went to grab a plate. I looked down at it for a second, looked up at my mom and all I had to say was “This reminds me of Dad” to start to well up with tears. It’s true though, he was always the one who made them for lunch.

To stop myself from completely crying, I had to go so far as to set the sandwich down. I told me mom “The last thing I need to do is cry over a damn bologna sandwich”.

My father’s death was expected. And at least for me, it isn’t the day to day monotony that makes me sad or overwhelms me, or even talking about it – it’s the little things that unexpectedly pop up that you aren’t prepared for that upset me. A song, a trinket, a memory…a sandwich. That is really all it takes.

But I’m doing okay.

Dear Dad [Rest in Peace]

26 Dec

DSC00466

Dear Dad,

I called you dad, pa, daddy, Roberto, papa. You called me Michelleeanna, Annie, hot rod…Anner Nanner.

You’ve been the best father that a girl could hope for, and you’ve been with me through every moment of my life, big or small. As we go through your belongings, we find things that bring back the best memories…memories I’ll cherish the rest of my life. You may be gone in body, now, but you’ll never be gone in spirit.

The day of my wedding, you’ll be there.
The day I finally buy a house, you’ll be there.
The day I graduate with my next degree…you’ll be there.

You live on in me and my sister, our mother, and your grand children.

I find solace knowing that you are finally at peace, and that your pain has ended. You fought a good fight, Dad, and I knew that no matter the outcome, the day you told me I’m going to fight this damn cancer  that everything would be okay. And I know that as much as I love you, and I admire you that you love me and are proud of me.

Everything I’ve done until this day, and everything I’ll do in the future is to make you and Mom proud of me. You are such a major part of who I are, and who I’ve become. You’re the fire to my phoenix.

I know that you held on as long as you did for us, to make sure we were ready and that we would be okay once you were gone. Thank you for that. I know it was a hard, long struggle. I know you were worried. But we will be okay. I got to spend one last Christmas with my papa, even if you were only hanging on by a thread, even if you couldn’t sit with us next to the Christmas tree…I got to sing Christmas carols to you, and buy you one last Christmas present, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.

I’ll miss you. I love you.

Give ’em hell, Dad

Rest in Peace
12.26.14
2:19 pm

Do We Inherit Our Temperaments from Our Parents?

22 Jun

I’m usually a decently calm person. Actually, I often lack emotion to the point where its exciting for others to see me excited, upset, or angry. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I do find being level-headed a comfort. And its not that I am emotionless, I’m just really good at controlling my emotions, but with control comes a price.

I often find myself being eaten alive by the emotions that well up inside me. Usually its sadness or anger that I find myself controlling, because happiness is a silly emotion to have to control (and its hard for me to get excited). When I feel anger inside me, it just keeps bubbling higher and higher within me, to the point in which I’m afraid that I just might boil over. Its not just the feeling of being mad, its almost always the feeling of teetering on the edge of something dangerous.

Feeling this inside reminds me of my parents, which is strange if you don’t know my parents. My dad has a hot temper that takes a long time to rise, but is explosive once it reaches its threshold. My mom has a quick, flashy temper that gives her unearthly strength like you can’t believe. I didn’t really see either of these growing up, but I know they are there. My sister is explosive like my father, but quick like my mother. It makes for a very scary combination that has gotten her in trouble quite a few times.

And then there is me. I’m the level-headed one, who is rarely disgruntled. But inside its almost as if I’ve inherited the combined power of their temper, but only because I have the highest threshold; with that threshold, comes even more explosive power than my father has. I’m quick to start warming up, but it takes me a long time to get to boiling, and then its as if a nuclear bomb has exploded.

Do you feel like we inherit traits such as this?