Tag Archives: pride

Faith: A Desperate Man’s Prayer

23 Aug

As I’ve grown older, I’ve almost completely stopped telling people about major events in my life that might garner some sort of sympathy. This is one of those times, but I find that it would be out of character if I didn’t make a point out of life events. It’s kind of my thing.

So, I regret to inform you that my dad has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.

I don’t know the type or the prognosis or really much of anything, but my mom says that, while the doctor didn’t say much, it sounds like its terminal. If she is correct, she also didn’t give me a time frame to consider.

I’ve only actually disclosed this to 3 friends, and it was because I knew they wouldn’t have much to say on the matter. No amount of “I’m so sorry” will do anything. Nothing. My situation is not unique. And knowing that my friends are “there for me” doesn’t really do anything for me either (the only thing that might make me feel better is having a man in my life, but oh well).

Death is a fact of life, and I plan to treat is as thus.

It’s almost like a clean slate when you might be dying. You can do whatever you want. Even be reckless if you so desire. Maybe its even liberating.

But, of course, I don’t want to lose my father. I assumed I had at least 10 more years with him, but remarkably, I’ve been preparing myself for the loss of my parents since I was a small child. One night when I was probably 6, I woke up from a nightmare that both my parents had died. I told my mom, through tears, about the dream. She comforted me about this plan God had that one day, he will save the world and people will live forever again as they were once meant to.

I held onto that for years.

Unlike the rest of my family, I have not held onto that faith in a higher power. There are moments when I wish that if I prayed a miracle would happen, and being agnostic makes it even more difficult. And that is how I feel about faith in religion. Desperation. So I hold my faith in science and medicine, as I should. There have been remarkable advancements in cancer treatment, and I think that even if God did exist, he would have given us these tools for us to use.

While I hope that something amazing happens and his cancer goes into remission, I hope, too, that my father is proud of me. The two things I wanted my dad to still be here for were to walk me down the aisle of my wedding, and to see me graduate from vet school. Unfortunately, I’m not close to accomplishing either of those things and I do feel some degree of failure because of that, but deep down I know he is very proud of me (all I really have to do is ask and he’ll boast).

I love him very much, and I hope that if it’s time, I’ll at least be able to get the most knowledge I can out of him before then. Because goodness knows, I feel like I call him every other day asking him how to change or fix or make things.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Dear Mom and Dad

12 Jun

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you.

You’ve been such a source of strength throughout my entire life. You are the balance – the yin and the yang – that we all need in our lives.

And I’m lucky enough to have it.

I wish every day that you would move up here. It almost breaks my heart being so far away from you both, and while its good for me, sometimes I think that I do too many things that are good for me.

You’ve taught me well, though. I don’t know if it’s the stubborness I’ve received from you both, or the good values you’ve given me, but regardless it’s because of you that I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never made poor life decisions. I’ve never been drunk.

Some would say that I’m missing out, but I would say that there is nothing in those things that I’m not happy to be missing out on.

There is one thing that I think you’ve taught me more than anything. Independence. Sometimes you call it lack of respect, but you have always allowed me to speak my mind and have adult conversations with you, and it means the world to me that you’ve done that. I respect you both so much, and I hope that you can see that if we ever argue – it’s not out of anger, or spite, but out of a respect to be able to appreciate you for all of the things you are – mother, father, human.

If there is one thing I hope I’ve given you, it’s pride in me. I strive each and every day to make you proud. That’s my girl! is something I want you to always be able to say.

I love you.

I miss you.

Always, Me