Tag Archives: penis

An Open Letter to Any Guy That’s Sent Me A Dick Pic (NSFW, Obviously)

18 Feb

Ever. Or wanted to send me a dick pic. Or has sent any other woman an unsolicited picture of your genitalia. To any guy that has whipped out his dong in front of me. And any dude who thought it was okay to tell me any number of reasons why I needed his penis in or around my body. 

 

Dear member of the male sex,

One could only hope to call you a gentleman, because for the aforementioned reasons I guarantee that you are not, in fact, a gentleman.

My only fault in this weird, I-say-hi-and-you-respond-by-showing-me-your-wiener relationship was trying to create an atmosphere that you could express yourself, without fear of judgment. Without fear of condemnation or exile.

I was wrong. I know that now.

You could have sent me a tasteful picture of your tattoo, or a nice selfie of you and your dog (or cat *swoon*), or even a mirror-picture of you lifting up your shirt in  your bathroom. Any of those would have gotten me off more quickly than a picture of that dangly thing between your legs. And let me just say, no woman on earth needs a picture of a limp dick. Ever. That’s not even last on the list of things we want a surprise picture of. It didn’t even make the list, actually.

I’ll also say that the phrase “What’s up?”, however tempting, is not an invitation for you to immediately send a picture of your boner to me.  Nor is “Whew. I thought that was going to be a dick pic”.

As I admit fault to you, I will acknowledge that I may have also been lying to myself. I should have been the judgmental bitch God created me as, so I’ll say this: Yes, your fantasies are weird. No, I don’t like it. Your dong isn’t any more exciting than any other dudes dong. If I wanted to touch it, this wouldn’t be a text conversation. No, your penis is not the biggest penis I’ve ever seen. Yes, it could be the smallest.  Your massive untamed bush isn’t helping anything. To the boyfriends – I don’t appreciate the sentiment. 

And my ass? It is perfectly able to be handled by folks other than long, strong, black men. Free tip: opening doors, complimenting me, saying please and thank you, and taking a genuine interest in my hobbies is a great way to handle this ass (note: I said nothing about length, strength, or monochromatism, however, being a man is a requirement for handling this ass).

P.S. I have retained copies of every cock-ridden text I’ve ever received, just in case you piss me off at some point in the future.

Forever yours,
Not-interested-in-your-disembodied-dong

Sex Toys and Booze

20 Jun

Last night I was hostess of a Slumber Party for the very first time. What is a Slumber Party, you ask? A Slumber Party is when a group of women get together, and get told about sex toys by a representative with the Slumber Parties company.

Its fun.

A total of 16 people came, and we had all kinds of snacks and beverages, and there was definitely some alcohol involved. First rule of Slumber Parties…no boys allowed! I think that’s to allow us all to get a little unruly and not be embarrassed about talking about dildos, of course. Because I was hostess, I got to control the bullet, which just happened to be placed between one of the Slumber Party virgins boobies. It looks a little like this (except with only one silver thing – that’s the vibrating part):

Every time I saw something that I wanted to be on sale, I got to turn it to high, and the virgin had to yell out sale. I’ll admit it was very funny! We also were asked trivia questions, and correct answers were given penis pencil toppers. I just happened to get a flesh colored one and a blue, glow-in-the-dark one. Somehow it ended up on my lamp switch.

Probably the best point throughout the night, however, was when we were all finished, and our consultant (my friend from middle school, go figure!) was waiting to take orders. At that point we grabbed the Ice Man, which is this bad boy:

It has a suction cup, so you can pretty much mount it wherever you please and have a go! I’m sure you can imagine what 16, 20-somethings could do tossing around one of these things. Helicopter dick made its appearance at one point during the night (and yes, I have video).

We also stuck it to things, and took various [staged] photo bomb pictures. We through it, we jiggled it, and I poked people with it. I have a picture of a friend “smoking” the Dazzling Diva like a cigar, and many pictures of friends holding the elephant of the Decadent Indulgence to their nose. 50 Shades of Gray as read by Gilbert Godfried even made its appearance later in the evening. It was an awesome night, and I ended up getting four free items! Awesome, right!? I got this pheromone cologne, some numbing stuff for waxing, some shaving stuff for loosening hair follicles, AND I got this awesome stuff that keeps away moisture on hot, sweaty days. Working at an animal shelter is going to be much more comfortable once THAT gets here.

Overall, it was a great time, and I’m so glad I knew my consultant personally. I’m so glad everyone could make it, and I’m so glad I got 50 dollars worth of free stuff! I wish I could share pictures, but I think I’ll keep all of those for my private collection. If you’ve never had a Slumber Party or been to one, I highly recommend doing it. I had pretty much all levels of sexual experience and comfort attend, and it worked just fine!

Ever had a Slumber Party? What games did you play? Recommend their products?

On Penises and Other Such Things…

7 May

 

Not too terribly long ago, a fellow blogger posted about the surprise sext. You know the texts where you randomly get a picture of some guys penis. Well, its happened to me before, but I didn’t think it would happen to me again so soon.

So yeah…to make a story short, I got a penis picture. It was actually quite “artistic” for a penis picture. Usually, they are taken via cellphone, by the person to which the penis is attached. The one I got was taken in a different fashion, and I was impressed at the pose. I digress…back to what I was actually talking about.

It got me to thinking. What is the appeal of such a picture? When someone sends me a picture like that, I can’t help but to think Oh look. A penis. and thats about it. A penis, in and of itself, is not exciting. It all depends on what the penis is doing, and [maybe] more importantly…who it is attached to. If you want to get me all hot and bothered, send me a picture of you with your shirt off and your pants undone with a seductive expression. Or wearing suspenders. Or a bowtie…that one gets me every time.

And its not just penises that get circulated, either. I accidentally stumbled on a friends up-close-and-personal picture of her vaj, once. Believe you me…I never want to see another vagina picture again.

Men: What do you hope to accomplish by sending pictures of your wiener to the ladies? How do you feel when you get vagina pictures?
Ladies: How do you feel when you get penis pictures (surprise or otherwise) and does context matter? How do you respond? Would you ever send a picture of your lady bits?