Tag Archives: jerk

An Open Letter to Any Guy That’s Sent Me A Dick Pic (NSFW, Obviously)

18 Feb

Ever. Or wanted to send me a dick pic. Or has sent any other woman an unsolicited picture of your genitalia. To any guy that has whipped out his dong in front of me. And any dude who thought it was okay to tell me any number of reasons why I needed his penis in or around my body. 

 

Dear member of the male sex,

One could only hope to call you a gentleman, because for the aforementioned reasons I guarantee that you are not, in fact, a gentleman.

My only fault in this weird, I-say-hi-and-you-respond-by-showing-me-your-wiener relationship was trying to create an atmosphere that you could express yourself, without fear of judgment. Without fear of condemnation or exile.

I was wrong. I know that now.

You could have sent me a tasteful picture of your tattoo, or a nice selfie of you and your dog (or cat *swoon*), or even a mirror-picture of you lifting up your shirt in  your bathroom. Any of those would have gotten me off more quickly than a picture of that dangly thing between your legs. And let me just say, no woman on earth needs a picture of a limp dick. Ever. That’s not even last on the list of things we want a surprise picture of. It didn’t even make the list, actually.

I’ll also say that the phrase “What’s up?”, however tempting, is not an invitation for you to immediately send a picture of your boner to me.  Nor is “Whew. I thought that was going to be a dick pic”.

As I admit fault to you, I will acknowledge that I may have also been lying to myself. I should have been the judgmental bitch God created me as, so I’ll say this: Yes, your fantasies are weird. No, I don’t like it. Your dong isn’t any more exciting than any other dudes dong. If I wanted to touch it, this wouldn’t be a text conversation. No, your penis is not the biggest penis I’ve ever seen. Yes, it could be the smallest.  Your massive untamed bush isn’t helping anything. To the boyfriends – I don’t appreciate the sentiment. 

And my ass? It is perfectly able to be handled by folks other than long, strong, black men. Free tip: opening doors, complimenting me, saying please and thank you, and taking a genuine interest in my hobbies is a great way to handle this ass (note: I said nothing about length, strength, or monochromatism, however, being a man is a requirement for handling this ass).

P.S. I have retained copies of every cock-ridden text I’ve ever received, just in case you piss me off at some point in the future.

Forever yours,
Not-interested-in-your-disembodied-dong

What is a Nice Guy – Do They Exist?

27 Jun

Nice guys finish last.

Girls only like assholes, not nice guys like me.

You hear that statement all the time, and it’s usually from a very specific guy. Giving this person the benefit of the doubt, it’s usually a genuine guy who doesn’t use women for sex, wants an honest to goodness relationship with a girl, and while respecting women, finds himself single 90% of the time.

Unfortunately for nice guy, he is single because he won’t make the first move. It’s a vicious cycle, too, because the assholes get the girls because they actually ask them out.

Oh, and don’t forget the nice girls who actually do finish last. The nice guys want the bitchy girls who are high maintenance, while the rest of us, who actually refuse to date the assholes, end up single. We want a nice guy. But nice guys don’t want nice girls, now do they?

And don’t tell me that nice girls should make the first move. Been there. Rejected.

That’s all beside the point.

I want to know if this “nice guy” even actually exists, or if it’s just a ploy for us to feel sorry for them because they are single.

The person I picture in my head when someone says “nice guy” is a man who would give a woman a chance, be honest with her, never use a woman for sex, cares about what his significant other has to say, and would never lead a woman on. He would apologize if he did something hurtful on accident and he wouldn’t just ignore her. (Note: I did not say pushover, suck-up, or clingy at any point.)

Women – what is your idea of a “nice guy”? Men – are you a nice guy, why/why not? Do nice guys even exist? What about nice girls?

The End-of-Relationship Asshole

20 Jun

If you’ve been keeping up with my 30 day letter challenge, as you should be, you have read my letter to my ex boyfriend. You might have also read a comment from a friend about the situation, too.  Fadingsunlight wrote:

Why do perfectly decent human beings turn into jackasses when a relationship ends?

And it’s true…or it, at least, seems to be. My ex wasn’t for me, and that doesn’t really reflect anything about him other than I didn’t find the things he did during the relationship to be desirable (that doesn’t mean others won’t or don’t). He was, however, a decent human being.

He was genuine in his feelings, and I could never say that he was innately just a bad person. By that, I mean he wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt me, or lead me on knowing it would hurt me, or really just have no disregard for others.

Until we broke up, that is. It wasn’t even a bad breakup, but the second we broke it off he just became mean, vile, and petty. It wasn’t even a response to something I was doing – I hadn’t tried to contact him, and I was being completely civil (spare my rants to my best friend, but that’s expecting). It was of his own will to seek me out and be rude and disrespectful.

I don’t understand it at all.

Does fadingsunlight make a valid point in her comment? Do you agree that people who are generally not jerks become so after breaking up? Why do you think this happens? 

Aside

FML alert: What Would You Do?

18 Apr

fml #6404510 Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, “Is this your girlfriend?” He replied “That depends… are you single?” FML

Would you dump this guy on the spot, or would you laugh it off and talk later? Something else?