Tag Archives: inspiration

My First Week at the Gym

20 Jan

 

This is not an inspirational story.

I’m not going to tell you how to get the will to start working out.

But this is my story, so sit tight!

 

I have lived the majority of my life as a plus-size human being. When I was still a small child (5 and 6), I was broad, but I wasn’t overweight. I didn’t have a belly or rolls or chubby arms. But then, as life goes, my thyroid stopped working. Doctors don’t know why I was so young, but the weight started piling on. While I grew taller with ease, I was well overweight in 5th grade. I weighed 150 lbs and I was 5’5″. My mom struggled to find me pants.

At my lowest adult weight, I weighed 175 lbs at 5’7″ when I was a sophomore in high school. I was working my ass off during my extracurricular activities and didn’t have the time to eat, so naturally, the weight fell off.

Now, I’m at my highest. Post-sophomore year I remained at about 235 until the death of my father. Given the holidays at the time and the stress, I gained 15 lbs. Then another 10 lbs, and was sitting pretty at 250. That didn’t really change until early last year, when I could no longer afford my medication for my thyroid, the doctor’s visits to adjust my levels, and the lab tests to test my blood levels.

10 lbs…

20 lbs…

30 lbs…

I now sit at 280 lbs and had no way in sight on how to change that.

But then I got sick for the first time in like 5 years and made myself go to the doctor for antibiotics (ear infection). He didn’t prescribe me any, but he did kindly refill my prescription. I bit the bullet and paid for a 3 month supply I couldn’t really afford. My mood and energy levels improved greatly! Life was no longer as dismal an existance.

I felt myself listening to music in my car that was just pumping me up. I wanted to do THINGS. And ALL OF THEM.

Then, a few weeks later, I went to see a movie by myself courtesy of T-Mobile Tuesdays and got a free burrito courtesy of a friend. I sat down and I watched Moana, which now sits squarely in my top 3 favorite Disney movies. I felt so inspired and motivated to be a better me. I got in my car surged with new-found motivation and turned on some Eminem. By the time I got home, I was so pumped that I decided it was time to join a gym, cut my hair, stop drinking soda, and wake up early enough to do my makeup and hair before work.

There is nothing I’ve felt previously that I can compare this feeling to. There is no “you just have to want it badly enough”. There is no “say you’re going to do it, then DO IT”. I just reached a moment in my life that felt right. That felt like it was time. I don’t have to find the willpower to go to the gym. It’s just what I do. I barely have to resist drinking soda; I just drink water.

From personal experience, there is no amount of will I could have mustered to get myself into a gym. Or to run.

Yeah. I’m using the treadmill. And with some little encouragement from Macklemore and Eminem, I power through the tough moments. It’s been a week and I don’t really feel different and I’m sure I don’t look different, but I can run for a full minute! I didn’t think I could. I ran for 10 minutes yesterday! Who knew?

Now I just need to find an inhaler. One part of always being the fat kid means that when your chest hurts when you run, the doctors just think it’s because you’re overweight…not because you have exerise-induced asthama.

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Harnessing the Artist

3 Apr

I’m not positive that any of my readers know this, friend or otherwise, but this girl considers herself an artist. I tend to post raw, unedited stories and memories and persuasions, but only because I don’t feel the need to edit myself. Whether it is music, or clay, or paint, or words…the facets of art live within me.

As an artist, I find I suffer from the same tragedy that, say, comedians do. My best work is done when I’m at a low point in life. When I’m down, and out…anyone who has ever read a story I’ve written knows that I can’t do happy. Happy endings don’t exist in my writing, no matter how hard I try. I’ll write horror, and suicide, and abuse…and that could very well be due to the state I have to be in for the creative juices to flow. Believe it or not, I’m pretty handy with a pencil when I’m at that low point to…put on the music, get in the zone, and draw it all away.

The hardest part about being an artist is finding that inspiration to make art when you’re happy. I have so many ideas for short stories (I don’t think I could ever write a novel), that my head swims with the ideas. I just can’t put pencil to paper (or fingers to keys) when I’m happy, though. When I try…the quality is crap.

But I don’t want to trade in my happiness for a gift, no more than I want to trade in my gift for happiness.

Writers, painters, musicians…artists out there…have you found a way to harness that feeling of inspiration, even when you’re out of your mood?

The Meaning of Life

17 Jan

I was approached, today, by a long-time friend of mine who simply asked me what is the meaning of life?

As an agnostic atheist, the meaning of life is not clear as it may be to others. I’ve met gnostic atheists who say there is no meaning to life other than the biological need to reproduce. Many theists (read: religious folk) say that the only reason for our perpetual existence is serving a higher being.

And because it is unclear, it is something I’ve spent much of my time pondering.

I’m also a scientist, and as such, I can tell you that humans are animals, and are thus subject to many of the same principles all animals are subjected to. These being the essence of survival: intake (food, water), excrete, and reproduce. Reproduction is the essence of all animal life, which is why, although our planet is vastly overpopulated and we are basically killing our own kind, humans continue to have offspring. That, in a nutshell, could be the meaning of life. Humans just happen to have developed opposable thumbs and a conscious, or we wouldn’t be thinking about why we exist.

That’s how I’ve come to my conclusion about the meaning of life.

The meaning of life is about the human connection. We’ve already supported that with our brief discussion of reproduction, but it’s more than that, too. It’s about gaining knowledge and sharing knowledge. It’s about being kind and sharing ourselves with others. If I can inspire one person, whether it is to be kinder to others, or to learn something knew, then I’ve made a difference. If I can teach someone something, I’ve made a difference. Even if my smile at a stranger in a grocery store can brighten their day, I’ve made a difference.

Why else do humans spend so much of their time with others, exchanging stories and asking advice? It’s all about spreading the wealth of knowledge, and making our journey in this life about the journey, not the destination. I think that is what many of us get caught up in, is the destination. You know…living life through God so that we have a beautiful afterlife with rainbows and butterflies and unicorns (because what’s heaven without unicorns!??). But that isn’t good enough. We are here now, and we need to make the best of it.

From my point of view, if you live this life trying to teach, help, and be kind to others then whatever your belief, you win. How can a Christian God send someone who has lived their life virtuously, but was Buddhist, or Jewish, or Atheist, to anywhere other than this heaven place? That doesn’t sound like a being that is amazing, and forgiving, and wonderful. That sounds like a judgmental, power-hungry dictator.

Living life to it’s fullest. Gaining knowledge and wisdom. Giving knowledge and wisdom. Connecting to each other. Showing kindness to all. Sharing stories and giving advice. That’s what life is about. Growing as an individual, to grow as a culture.

And sex. Lots and lots of sex. It is our biological prerogative, after all.

What do you think is the meaning of life?

One Lovely Blog Award

9 Jan

I was nominated for this award by TheCuriousBum, and am so very grateful that he felt I deserved it!

Here is how it works:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
  •  Add the One Lovely Blog logo to your post.
  • Share 7 facts/or things about yourself.
  • Nominate about 15 bloggers you admire and inform nominees by commenting on their blog.

And now I’m supposed to share 7 facts. Seven!? That my followers and friends don’t already know???? Well…here goes…

1) One of my blogs is going to be printed in a newsletter from a humane society on the East Coast
2) There are only 3 celebs that I have uber-crushes on: David Duchovny, Shia LaBeouf, & Ryan Gosling
3) I was baptized in the Catholic church, and was given the name “Christian”
4) I like to refer to myself in the third person
5) I have full confidence in myself to be able to do anything that I set my mind to
6) I find hope and guidance in Wicca, Tarot, and Astrology
7) I’ve grown quite fond of the “lumbersexual

That was a lot harder to think of than you may think…

As my predecessor for this nomination said, I think 15 bloggers is a little TOO many. Had this been in the days of Xanga, I could have easily grabbed 15, but now that it isn’t, we’ll just pick what I can.

First and foremost, I nominate the lovely orchidatdusk, who I find inspiring and has the prettiest resting bitch face I’ve ever seen (haha ;) ). I always love reading her posts, and appreciate her comments immensely.

Next, we’ll (who are these ‘we’ people?) nominate daniel-brockhan. Daniel is so committed to writing and is such a beautiful human being. His passion and dedication is unsurpassed.

Finally, as I think I will leave it at 3, is a relatively new blog called journeythroughbipolar. I nominate her because she is showing amazing strength, and through that hopefully she will be able to help others both through their bipolar disorders, but also help those without it have a better understanding of mental illness.

So go forth, my nominees. 

Whatcha think about those 7 things about me?

Inspiring People

9 Dec

What is a relationship but two people exchanging ideas, beliefs, values…each other?

Nothing.

I find that a relationship isn’t worth having unless you are exchanging these things with the other person. If you aren’t growing, and you aren’t learning, then what’s the value? This is something that I feel in the core of my being, and something I refuse to lose sight of.  When I am in a relationship, I will undoubtedly incorporate something about them into myself. Sometimes it is something I’m consciously aware of, and sometimes it isn’t.

So with that, it seems that I have surrounded myself with many truly inspiring people.

Jessica inspires me to get in touch with my creative side. To go out of the boundaries that I’m used to. To get in touch with the organic side of life.
Allison just so happened to inspire a snort that I can’t seem to shake.
Meghan inspires in me the wholesomeness of being down to earth.
Melissa inspires me to get back to my roots, and keep in touch with the parts of life that I tend to forget.
Michelle inspires me to take that part of me that I try to keep in check so well, and let it run wild.
Andrew inspires adventure that I sometimes need teased out of me.
Amber reminds me to chase my dreams, and that I’ll reach them.
Nathan inspires friendship, no how much distance, time, or trouble separates it.

You all inspire me to write. To create. To love. To be adventurous. Spontaneous. To seek knowledge.

Every single friend I have I’ve shared something with. A moment or a look. An idea or value. And at the end of the day, it isn’t what I’m inspired to do or be, but who inspired me and how that has shaped me.

Inspiration. It’s the breath of life.

Who inspires you? 

Inspiring Stories – Not My Inspiration

28 Feb

Yesterday I was listening to the radio in the car with a couple of friends, and the female DJ mentions “a story that is so inspiring you won’t want to miss it.”

I mention to my friends that I never find these “inspiring stories” all that inspiring – and it’s true!

Okay, so you made it around diversity. You are the first female whatever it may be. Or the first gay so and so. Or you’ve overcome your disability. That’s great, really! But to me…it’s either never really remarkable or it’s never really attainable.

Maybe I just can’t relate.

That’s not to say I don’t get inspired by people – I do – it just isn’t these stories that people make bad decisions, and overcome them, or lost a limb and can run now, or grew up in a bad part of town and are now rich.

My inspiration comes from stories about normal people, doing really normal things, and feeling really normal ways. I just watched a show about this young married couple who bought their first home and were ecstatic. Their emotion made me well up.

Have you heard those commercials talking about adopting a foster child, and how you “don’t have to be perfect, to be a perfect parent”? Those inspire me so much and make me want to spend time with my kids…and I don’t even have kids!

Even people doing things that they are already good at inspire me to do what I love.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t need extraordinary things to inspire me – normal is good enough.

What inspires you? What’s your favorite inspirational story? 

When Life Gives You Lemons, Where Do You Find a Juicer?

25 Jan

You know…to make lemonade…

If you read my last post, you know that my life has been a little crazy lately. For whatever reason, my anxiety is seeming to peak today, and it’s driving me crazy. I haven’t been to a doctor about it, because I don’t think its a big enough issue to need medication, but it still happens from time to time.

Point being, I’m having a whole bunch of difficulty getting rid of the anxiety today. No one around to talk it out with and the only busy work I have to do is stressful and doesn’t require enough thought to take my mind off of anything. I want to go enjoy the great outdoors at the new place, but thinking about goofing around when I have so much to do causes me even more stress and anxiety.

Boo.

When I am this stressed out about everything, I try to find something to inspire me to move forward. Really, that’s my problem – not moving forward. My stress stops me dead in my tracks. You folks might think its weird, but in situations like this when I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to get my life together, I frequently look to astrology.

Do I completely believe that our lives are governed by the planets and the sun? Not necessarily, but maybe.

Is my horoscope often very close to how life is going for me? Usually eerily so, and I almost exclusively check it at the end of the day.

Do I find inspiration and guidance from my horoscope? Absolutely.

Now I don’t always read my horoscope, but I find myself doing it more when I feel neck deep and life is winning. Relationship issues, horoscope says that the love gods are on my side and I need to focus on [insert relationship something or other here]. Whether its communication or romance, or its echoing my frustration, it helps me stop and be more objective about the situation. The same goes with work. When I feel like its consuming my life, or I can’t even deal with my job anymore, I find inspiration to solve those problems.

And before you discredit me as crazy, I think this is the real use of religion, whatever religion that may be. I find that stories about awesomeness of some godly figure and how people used that to pull them through rough times to be incredibly inspiring. A lot of these stories have good rules to live your life by, whether you believe in an almighty being or not.

What inspires you when you are struggling with life? Do you ever turn to things like this? What’s your best method for dealing with anxiety?