Tag Archives: funny
21 Jul

That moment when you’re in such a hurry to put your tampon in that you accidentally and very suddenly punch your vagina. So you’re just in the bathroom and you’re yelling because it hurts and you’re like “AHH” “FUCK” “DAMNIT” “HOLY BABY JESUS GOD DAMN”

And the person in the next stall is totally silent but you know they are wondering what to do. Like…should I see if she is okay in there? Should I ignore it? Should I run and pretend I wasn’t even in here? Maybe I should just pull my feet up and pretend like I don’t exist.

And then you don’t know if you should just laugh or say IT’S FINE.

So you’re both just sitting there in silence and its awkward and neither of you wants to leave first.

 

This awkward moment brought to you by Michelle *wink double finger point*

Feculence we Proclaim at our Servitude #1 [Shit we Say at Work]

9 Mar

Me: What!? Show me his testicles!
Other staff: Ugh! Shouldn’t you take him on a date first???

25 Jun

Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone! Its really not fair either, because just because we don’t eat the meant doesn’t mean we don’t like to play with the carcasses .

–Phoebe, Friends

25 Jun

The last time Joey went to a meadow his mother got shot by a hunter.

–Chandler, from Friends

Why I Don’t Use Physical Humor

4 Jun

 

I’m really not all that funny anyway. It takes a special kind of person to appreciate my humor, and I’m usually friends with every one of those people because they are so hard to find. My style is verbal, and often sarcastic, so its not a surprise that its hard to find funny, but I’d prefer this over trying to use physical humor.

Some people are good at it, and comfortable with it, and I’m not one of them. Most of my friend group uses physical humor, and you can see that in pretty much every group photo we have ever taken. They do the goofy faces, and make weird looks when they take pictures. I smile. Shocking, I know.

I just can’t bring myself to do anything else. I’ve tried in the past, but I never know what to do or what face to make, so it always ends up looking the same. People even asked me why I make that face – I stopped, and fast.

I’m also not comfortable with it, and excuse me when I say this, but its partially because I’m fat. Also shocking, I know.

I have rules for myself that have to do with my weight. I’m pretty comfortable with it, and I don’t think my body could look like a rock star at any weight. One of my rules: don’t show any skin between my knee and my boobs to anyone other than significant others. One of my other rules is to not use physical humor. On any given day, I look like a fat girl. If I make a stupid face in a picture, however, then I’m just the stupid looking fat girl. At least if I smile and look nice, I might be the pretty fat girl.

What kind of humor do you use? What kind of humor do you appreciate more?

How Do You Wipe?

29 May

I have this conversation often enough. It originally started way back when I was probably a sophomore or junior in high school, in which me and a very close friend were discussing the topic. Yesterday, I brought it up to my coworkers during what we have aptly dubbed the “pants party” (when we change out of our scrubs into normal clothes after work).

I happened to be folding laundry while sitting on the toilet (the locker room is our bathroom and laundry room also), and the subject of pooping got brought up (apparently there are different ways to sit on the toilet and poop, too). That ultimately led to our discussion about wiping (not just limited to pooping, especially for the ladies). We decided that there were a few main stances. There is the lean to the side, the lean forward/squat, and then the stand up, with degrees of difference in each. We all kind of thought that wiping standing up was really weird, and inefficient. I happen to be a lean to the side type of person.

How do you wipe? Do you think it depends on if you are man or a woman?

The Plight of a Blogger

27 May

Random person (female): I saw that blog you posted about me! I’m so offended!

Me: What blog?

Random person: The blog where you said this and this and this.

Me: That wasn’t about you; I haven’t written a blog about you.

Random person: Just tell me to my face! I can’t believe you wrote that about me!

Me: I was unaware you had a penis. I explicitly said he.

Random person: Well, I’m sure that was so I wouldn’t think it was about me. You didn’t think I would find out? I’m not THAT stupid!

Me: Well, obviously you are, because it wasn’t about you. But if you wanna think that, go right on ahead! Maybe you should suck that dick of yours while you’re at it.

 

This is a completely fictional conversation. Random person (female) is not an alias for anyone I know now, have known in the past, or will know if the future. Me is also nonexistent. Unless of course you remember having this conversation with Me, or find that your name is in fact “Random person (female)”. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental.