Tag Archives: depression

Harnessing the Artist

3 Apr

I’m not positive that any of my readers know this, friend or otherwise, but this girl considers herself an artist. I tend to post raw, unedited stories and memories and persuasions, but only because I don’t feel the need to edit myself. Whether it is music, or clay, or paint, or words…the facets of art live within me.

As an artist, I find I suffer from the same tragedy that, say, comedians do. My best work is done when I’m at a low point in life. When I’m down, and out…anyone who has ever read a story I’ve written knows that I can’t do happy. Happy endings don’t exist in my writing, no matter how hard I try. I’ll write horror, and suicide, and abuse…and that could very well be due to the state I have to be in for the creative juices to flow. Believe it or not, I’m pretty handy with a pencil when I’m at that low point to…put on the music, get in the zone, and draw it all away.

The hardest part about being an artist is finding that inspiration to make art when you’re happy. I have so many ideas for short stories (I don’t think I could ever write a novel), that my head swims with the ideas. I just can’t put pencil to paper (or fingers to keys) when I’m happy, though. When I try…the quality is crap.

But I don’t want to trade in my happiness for a gift, no more than I want to trade in my gift for happiness.

Writers, painters, musicians…artists out there…have you found a way to harness that feeling of inspiration, even when you’re out of your mood?

The Changing of the Seasons

27 Sep

 

It’s that time of year again…fall. Often fondly known as Autumn.

It is the favorite time of year of many. Everywhere I go people remark how beautiful it is and how much they love it. And I’m inclined to agree.

But no. It isn’t.

My brain says I love it. I step outside and the sun is at an angle that makes the whole world feel warmer and cozier. The trees are turning brilliant shades of golds and oranges and reds. The nights are cool, but the days are still warm. It’s absolutely brilliant.

My heart, however, does not seem to agree.

When I step outside, I get this horrible sinking feeling. I want to go for a walk or take the dog out, or just sit outside, but I can never bring myself to do so. Sometimes I just want to cry, but most of the time I just want to run back inside and close myself up from the world…maybe take a nap until summer. I wanted to go look at the aspens changing colors today, but then I changed my mind. Decided I didn’t want to leave my house or see people. Then, I feel like I’ve wasted a perfectly beautiful day by spending it inside doing nothing.

That is why fall isn’t my favorite.

What’s your favorite season? Are you ready for another year to be over?

Choose Your Own Adventure: Gun Regulation

26 Sep

This post is inspired by this video:

http://www.upworthy.com/he-cried-and-begged-his-father-dont-do-it-daddy-dont-shoot-mommy-my-son-said-that?c=ufb1

Now I’ll admit fully that I didn’t watch the video. I would have, but I live in the boonies and my internet causes me to be unable to watch videos in a normal amount of time.

The title in itself, however, causes me to think a little more about gun control.

He cried and begged his father. Don’t do it Daddy. Don’t shoot Mommy!

This being followed by the description of the post on Facebook: “Some people told her she should have had a gun. Those people have never lived through this.”

From this alone, we say “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Fair enough, I suppose.

So Dad comes home, what I assume to be an argument or disturbance occurs in front of little Johnny, and Dad pulls out a gun. His intention is to shoot Mom.

This choose your own adventure has two options:

1) Mom doesn’t have a gun and goes into the bedroom to shield her son from Dad.
2) Mom does have a gun, and pulls it on Dad.

Number 1 is actually what happened, and Dad proceeded to shoot through the door. That’s traumatizing for anyone involved. I know that I would be horrified whether I was the target or being the one shielded. It’s ESPECIALLY traumatizing for a child.

To prevent this ending to this adventure, we instead choose option 2. Instead of shielding little Johnny in a room and being shot at, Mom instead whips out her own gun. We will ignore the fact that Mom would more than likely not have the gun on her currently. So…Mom pulls out the gun and aims it at Dad. In any grace of the universe, Dad realizes the rashness of his actions and lowers his gun, defeated. Little Johnny may have been spared, but more than likely will still be traumatized at least slightly because Mommy just pulled a gun on Daddy. Was Daddy going to shoot Mommy? Was Mommy going to shoot Daddy? Or, because the universe is often harsh, Dad doesn’t drop the gun. Dad aims gun (or shoots). So Mom shoots. Now little Johnny sees his parents both shoot at each other. That is even more traumatizing. Now, the two people in his world who are supposed to love him and love each other and care for each other have made what appear to be attempts on each others lives. And who knows what the aftermath could look like. If both people are wounded, now they are just laying there bleeding, while little Johnny looks on. Or if one parent was unscathed and the other wounded, that parent grabs little Johnny and runs. But little Johnny is being ripped away from one parent by the parent that shot the other one.

Traumatic.

There is a third and fourth option. Dad doesn’t have a gun and neither does Mom. Or Dad doesn’t lose his shit. But neither of those is something we can control.

But “Gun control!” you say. “More mental health screening!” you say.

Unfortunately, Dad might not have a history of mental health issues or a criminal record. He may not have gotten his gun legally.

Here’s the thing: I’m okay with guns. I enjoy shooting. I think that we should do more screenings and background checks and regulate a little more who can own a gun. If Dad gets cleared to have a gun because he has no criminal record and no history of mental health issues, so be it. But if Dad has a history of mental health issues and is off his rocker, while having a criminal background also…no, he should not get a gun.

I think the biggest thing to control gun violence is to teach others about gun safety, and both the risks you assume in addition to the benefits owning a gun may provide. Teaching each other about mental health and the risks posed if someone appears to become depressed, or showing other tendencies while a gun is in the home.

Because Mommy having a gun doesn’t traumatize little Johnny any less. Mommy having a gun isn’t a solution. It’s just kind of like a band-aid to cover up a bigger issue that maybe Dad shouldn’t have had a gun.

What option do you choose for this Choose Your Own Adventure? 

Do We Inherit Our Temperaments from Our Parents?

22 Jun

I’m usually a decently calm person. Actually, I often lack emotion to the point where its exciting for others to see me excited, upset, or angry. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I do find being level-headed a comfort. And its not that I am emotionless, I’m just really good at controlling my emotions, but with control comes a price.

I often find myself being eaten alive by the emotions that well up inside me. Usually its sadness or anger that I find myself controlling, because happiness is a silly emotion to have to control (and its hard for me to get excited). When I feel anger inside me, it just keeps bubbling higher and higher within me, to the point in which I’m afraid that I just might boil over. Its not just the feeling of being mad, its almost always the feeling of teetering on the edge of something dangerous.

Feeling this inside reminds me of my parents, which is strange if you don’t know my parents. My dad has a hot temper that takes a long time to rise, but is explosive once it reaches its threshold. My mom has a quick, flashy temper that gives her unearthly strength like you can’t believe. I didn’t really see either of these growing up, but I know they are there. My sister is explosive like my father, but quick like my mother. It makes for a very scary combination that has gotten her in trouble quite a few times.

And then there is me. I’m the level-headed one, who is rarely disgruntled. But inside its almost as if I’ve inherited the combined power of their temper, but only because I have the highest threshold; with that threshold, comes even more explosive power than my father has. I’m quick to start warming up, but it takes me a long time to get to boiling, and then its as if a nuclear bomb has exploded.

Do you feel like we inherit traits such as this?