Tag Archives: cheating

When is it Your Place to Interfere?

20 Sep

There are a few things weighing on my mind at the moment (not that that is unusual). One of those things is the appropriate relationship status between two people in relation to when it is okay to intervene or express your opinion about something they are doing or saying.

I have a feeling that half of my readers just went never.

While yes, I understand your reasoning for thinking that…let’s be honest. There isn’t a single person on this planet who hasn’t given unsolicited advice to a friend. This brings me to my question…when is it even remotely okay to do that?

I have friends who feel that at no point is it okay to put your two cents in about a relationship unless cheating has been witnessed or there is the possibility of abuse. I have other friends who will give their opinion on your entire relationship at the drop of a hat. My philosophy tends to swing toward the former, and that is mostly because I really hate for people to give me their opinions on things they aren’t involved in.

There is also something to say about how close you are with a person to what you can tell them. The difference between an acquaintance and your best friend is monumental. The same can be said for a friend versus a significant other. I will put up with a lot more from a friend than I will a significant other.

So, taking that into consideration, when is it appropriate to say I think your girlfriend wants to fuck that guy or I wish you’d ditch the cigarettes. Do I really know that your girlfriend feels that way? No. Could it royally screw things up? Yes. Could it save some heartache later? Yes. Do I expect you to quit smoking cold turkey just because I don’t like it? No. Do I care about you and want you to be a living member of my life? Yes.

I guess it is also a little more complicated than just saying how you feel. It is also the prevalence of how often you express concern, and in what capacity.

When do you think you know someone well enough to express concern to them about their life? Is it okay to express concern, as long as you don’t intervene? When is it INAPPROPRIATE?

Is Perception Reality?

25 Jun

This is an off-shoot of my last blog, of the original asker’s question, and discussion coming from that.

A woman who commented and I disagree about what flirting is. She believes there has to be intent for someone to be flirting, and I believe that it is possible to flirt unknowingly, without intent. She cited this definition:

Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions: “it amused him to flirt with her”.
Experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously.

While I respect this particular woman very much, and love reading her blogs and having her read mine, when I read this, I felt as though the intention to flirt isn’t clearly stated in the definition (as in, you can accidentally flirt).

The second part focuses more on intention than the first, but the first definition is its own entity, and therefore I will concentrate on that.

The part that sticks out to me is “behave as though attracted”. You can unintentionally behave this way, right? If you couldn’t, then it would be clear who is  attracted to you and who isn’t. There would be no oh, I thought you were flirting with me.

And that is where perception comes into play. If you are interacting with someone, and they perceive that you are flirting with them, but you are unaware that you may be doing so, then their perception doesn’t match your reality, but is actually their own reality. 

Make sense? And who is to say that if the other person thinks it’s flirting, that it isn’t flirting?

Does flirting have to be intentional to actually be considered flirting? Does this definition back that up? 

Is it Cheating if it’s his Guy Friend?

24 Jun

After my old blog site started going downhill, a Facebook group was made so that everyone can be in touch while we all figure out what is next.

In that group, a woman posted the following:

I’m doing a survey: how many of you think cheating is flirting, mentally, emotionally, physically?

How many of you think cheating is just vaginal/penal/oral sex?

Please elaborate

Valid question. It’s something that differs between all people, because what is okay and what is not okay is different for all people. I find that those people who have been cheated on are especially rigid in their views, but of course, they’ve been hurt.

No one likes being hurt.

I hold to my guns that there are many gray areas involved with cheating, but we all know that’s my MO about everything. And before you get riled up, let me explain.

Person has sex with other person, but it was emotionally meaningless. While that person might not think it was a big deal because they don’t “love them”, he/she should still know that this would hurt the significant other, and should not want to hurt the person he/she loves. And thus, the significant other was hurt and feels unloved.

I would feel solace knowing that my significant other didn’t love the other person, but I would also feel unloved, because he knew it would hurt me. If he didn’t know that, we shouldn’t be together. Unfortunately, this could be a gray area…obviously not for me because I would never sleep around like that, but for some.

Person flirts with other person, but doesn’t realize he/she is flirting. Other person starts flirting back. Significant other sees this, and sees intent and a developing relationship.

This is another gray area, because some people are just naturally charming and flirty. Even being a gentleman could be considered flirting, or that care giving nature. But if that’s just who you are and you weren’t intentionally flirting or coming on to someone, I don’t consider that cheating. At the same time, intentional flirting is a no-no. Telling the difference is hard.

But, back to my title question. Emotional cheating is often considered the worst, or at least just as bad, as physical cheating. I’ll leave that up for you to decide. What I want to know is if the sex and sexuality of the people in question matters as far as emotional cheating is concerned.

Take this example: Person A is in a relationship with Person B, and is good friends with Person C. A and B have been arguing a lot lately, but they both still love each other very much. Person A needs someone to vent to one night about the workplace and about the arguments with Person B, and really, just life. Person C is A’s closest friend, so they hang out. Person A vents, while C listens intently. 

Months go on, and Person A seems to be going to Person C to vent a lot more than Person B, who A should probably be going to.

Case and point: emotional cheating.

Let’s say A is a heterosexual man, and B and C are heterosexual women. Cheating?

Let’s say A is a heterosexual man, B is a woman, and C is a heterosexual man. Cheating?

How about if A is a heterosexual woman, B is a man, and C is a heterosexual woman?

What if A is a heterosexual woman, and B and C are heterosexual men? Cheating?

What if A is a bisexual man or woman, and C is a homosexual same or opposite? Cheating?

What do you think about these situations? Is your gut telling you they are different? Why? Are they really different? 

Fatal Attraction

24 Apr

 

The most primal attraction to another human being is not a choice. I will stand by this statement to my death (or until science strongly supports the opposite).

That being said, there are many times in which you find yourself attracted to someone who isn’t right. This could be someone who is sub-par to your standards for whatever reason, or someone who is just unavailable. It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves being attracted to the cute guy or lady, and come to find after we are already twice past head-over-heels, that they are in a relationship. Or, for some of us, we are well-aware that this person is taken, but that doesn’t stop us from being attracted to them. It only really stops us [sometimes] from making a move.

I’ve experienced all of the above before, and it usually just sucks. The hardest part for me is knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable as a friend once you find out this person is taken.  I always find myself second-guessing my actions. Should I invite him over by himself, or should I make sure and invite the girlfriend? Is it acceptable to hug him goodbye like the rest of my friends? Is what I’m doing going to be interpreted wrong? Personally, I don’t care. Personally, if you have a problem with our friendship, get over it. Personally, I don’t treat people differently just because of their relationship status.

Should I? How do you treat new friends you are attracted to, once you find out they are taken? Do you change how you act around old friends, once they get a significant other? How do you deal with the fact that you are attracted to them, and cannot possibly have them? Have you ever knowingly been “the other woman/man”?