Tag Archives: cancer

Faith: A Desperate Man’s Prayer

23 Aug

As I’ve grown older, I’ve almost completely stopped telling people about major events in my life that might garner some sort of sympathy. This is one of those times, but I find that it would be out of character if I didn’t make a point out of life events. It’s kind of my thing.

So, I regret to inform you that my dad has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.

I don’t know the type or the prognosis or really much of anything, but my mom says that, while the doctor didn’t say much, it sounds like its terminal. If she is correct, she also didn’t give me a time frame to consider.

I’ve only actually disclosed this to 3 friends, and it was because I knew they wouldn’t have much to say on the matter. No amount of “I’m so sorry” will do anything. Nothing. My situation is not unique. And knowing that my friends are “there for me” doesn’t really do anything for me either (the only thing that might make me feel better is having a man in my life, but oh well).

Death is a fact of life, and I plan to treat is as thus.

It’s almost like a clean slate when you might be dying. You can do whatever you want. Even be reckless if you so desire. Maybe its even liberating.

But, of course, I don’t want to lose my father. I assumed I had at least 10 more years with him, but remarkably, I’ve been preparing myself for the loss of my parents since I was a small child. One night when I was probably 6, I woke up from a nightmare that both my parents had died. I told my mom, through tears, about the dream. She comforted me about this plan God had that one day, he will save the world and people will live forever again as they were once meant to.

I held onto that for years.

Unlike the rest of my family, I have not held onto that faith in a higher power. There are moments when I wish that if I prayed a miracle would happen, and being agnostic makes it even more difficult. And that is how I feel about faith in religion. Desperation. So I hold my faith in science and medicine, as I should. There have been remarkable advancements in cancer treatment, and I think that even if God did exist, he would have given us these tools for us to use.

While I hope that something amazing happens and his cancer goes into remission, I hope, too, that my father is proud of me. The two things I wanted my dad to still be here for were to walk me down the aisle of my wedding, and to see me graduate from vet school. Unfortunately, I’m not close to accomplishing either of those things and I do feel some degree of failure because of that, but deep down I know he is very proud of me (all I really have to do is ask and he’ll boast).

I love him very much, and I hope that if it’s time, I’ll at least be able to get the most knowledge I can out of him before then. Because goodness knows, I feel like I call him every other day asking him how to change or fix or make things.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Dear Person Who Needs to Forgive Me

24 Jun

Dear Person Who Needs to Forgive Me,

In length, my life is remarkably short, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t done my share of things that were probably on the edge of terrible.

There is one thing, that only you and a select other few people know of, until now at least, that I’ve done that I really, really wish I hadn’t.

Maybe not done, maybe just thought or said. 

Every day I wish you would forgive me. It’s been about 15 years, and still, nothing.

When Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, I so vividly remember the multiple times I thought I’d tell my parents “I told you so” if they got lung cancer. Every time they lit a cigarette, I was so upset. I thought and maybe even said things that I can’t even get up the courage to say now, and I don’t even know if I told them or if I just kept it to myself.

Regardless…no, Dad. I will not say I told you so. I will not rejoice that you may have gotten a lesson for your years of smoking. I will not be happy if you lose the battle.

But if I did tell you when I was so young, you wouldn’t remember anyway. And you wouldn’t even hold a grudge that needed forgiveness.

I would though. So please, forgive me.

Always, Me

30 Day Letter Challenge: Dear Deceased

22 Jun

Dear Ty,

Yes. You get to be called by your name.

I think about you. Not every day, probably not as often as I should, but here is proof that I do. I talk about you, too.

There is one thing that I look back on every, single time I think about you. It’s kind of weird, but I long for an answer so much and I know I’ll never get one.

What is it, you say?

Let me tell you a story.

One day, the [female] manager of a football team of a small, podunk town was putting away pylons. A really nice boy was helping her. 

He wanted to ask her a question, and being naturally curious, she of course told him he could ask her anything. With a pause, the boy said 

“what’s your name?”

It was obviously not what he had wanted to ask, but no matter how much she pressure the boy to ask her his real question, he continued his strange behavior and refused to ask her the real question.

Ty. What did you want to ask me that night? Had I been less socially awkward and better able to read people, I would have handled the situation better, but I wasn’t and I couldn’t so I didn’t.

Of course I have my speculations. The only thing I could think that someone would be afraid to ask is if I would date them. That’s super scary. I’m pretty forward with my questions, though, so it probably could have been anything.

I think back to that moment a lot, and I wish that if that was what you were going to ask me…that you had.

I would have said yes.

And thinking about that always makes me think of so many other memories I had with you. There was the day when you poured a bucket of ice water on me. Or the day when you gave me a ride home, and out of habit I tried to kiss you on the cheek and said “I love you”. And way, way back in kindergarten, I defended your choice of underwear when the other boys made fun of you because you wore briefs, not boxers.

Oh, Ty. I’m sorry. But you’ll always be in my thoughts.

Always, Me

Cancer Will NOT Take Over My Life

5 May

Take a look at the image above. Now replace all of the “possible side effects” with cancer.

That about sums up all the things on this planet. A little too much of anything and it can give you cancer. Why? Because all it takes is one wrong mutation in the DNA of a cell, and it will grow and replicate rapidly and out of control.

I’m a smart girl. I don’t do stupid things like smoke, but I’m not about to shut myself away from the world in order to stop something like this. The reason I bring this up is because today in my pharmacology class, we learned that deep fried potatoes of any sort increase the risk of cancer (and its not the fat or grease, its the potatoes). You know what else? So does cooking red meat and poultry above 120 degrees, and the point at which the FDA says you should cook meat is 140 degrees. Oh, eggs cause cancer, too!

I have sympathy for anyone who is unfortunate enough to have cancer. I hope that I never get cancer. But some things I’m just not willing to do.

What are some things that cause cancer that you think are ridiculous? Do you agree with me?