Tag Archives: advice

When is it Your Place to Interfere?

20 Sep

There are a few things weighing on my mind at the moment (not that that is unusual). One of those things is the appropriate relationship status between two people in relation to when it is okay to intervene or express your opinion about something they are doing or saying.

I have a feeling that half of my readers just went never.

While yes, I understand your reasoning for thinking that…let’s be honest. There isn’t a single person on this planet who hasn’t given unsolicited advice to a friend. This brings me to my question…when is it even remotely okay to do that?

I have friends who feel that at no point is it okay to put your two cents in about a relationship unless cheating has been witnessed or there is the possibility of abuse. I have other friends who will give their opinion on your entire relationship at the drop of a hat. My philosophy tends to swing toward the former, and that is mostly because I really hate for people to give me their opinions on things they aren’t involved in.

There is also something to say about how close you are with a person to what you can tell them. The difference between an acquaintance and your best friend is monumental. The same can be said for a friend versus a significant other. I will put up with a lot more from a friend than I will a significant other.

So, taking that into consideration, when is it appropriate to say I think your girlfriend wants to fuck that guy or I wish you’d ditch the cigarettes. Do I really know that your girlfriend feels that way? No. Could it royally screw things up? Yes. Could it save some heartache later? Yes. Do I expect you to quit smoking cold turkey just because I don’t like it? No. Do I care about you and want you to be a living member of my life? Yes.

I guess it is also a little more complicated than just saying how you feel. It is also the prevalence of how often you express concern, and in what capacity.

When do you think you know someone well enough to express concern to them about their life? Is it okay to express concern, as long as you don’t intervene? When is it INAPPROPRIATE?

Truth Speak: Dorm Life, Why I Can’t Make Friends

12 May

All of the encounters we have in our day to day lives shape us into who we are. That doesn’t change as we get older; we just have more encounters under our belt.

The memory I’m about to share with you is actually a really painful memory, and unless I’ve blogged about it before (and forgotten) it isn’t something I share with many people.

I’ll start with saying that it hasn’t ever been easy for me to make friends, but it used to be easier. The biggest thing that usually stopped me was reservation and being introverted, which are pretty normal things. That also means I really value what friends I have, and I will go to the ends of the earth for my friends. I like to give as much as I can, but it is important for so many reasons – you send out positive vibes into the universe, and you’re not only happier, but you’re bound to get good back! Now, my story…

Five years ago, I was a sophomore in college living in the dorms. Things went really well when I first moved in. I met people and everyone seemed really cool and really nice. I have so many pictures from that year. I had a corner room, and we did all kinds of fun stuff in there, as I didn’t have a roommate. Life was good. It just so happens that I was living next to some really cute, really nice guys, which is the center of what happened.

I was interested in one of them, Rob. He was really nice, had a great smile, and was interested in things that I hadn’t been exposed to (which I find totally fascinating). Being the passive person I am, I was perfectly fine being friends. I knew I wasn’t going to ask him to date me, or make a move, or any such thing.

One day, we were talking, and he mentioned that he was super stressed and tired because he had so much to do for school that week. I decided to write him an encouraging note, because in college, we could all use some encouragement. I got out a purple marker and a piece of paper and wrote a simple note that said something along the lines of good luck with all your tests this week! I know you’ll do great! I stuck it under his door so he would see it before leaving for class, and went on my way.

The next day came and went, and no mention of the note. At one point, I saw it lying on the floor still, and couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t said anything. My question was answered by his neighbor on the other side, Marlena. I don’t remember why we were talking, or if there was a reason she brought it up, but she decided to tell me that I “needed to let up” because Rob said I was “starting to creep”.

At the time, it was hurtful, but nothing compared to how it feels now when I think back on it. I ended up grabbing the note when no one was looking, and ripping it up to throw in the trash.

The worst part? I never got to defend myself. Any attempt at the time was feeble at best, and I tried just to shake it off and forget about it. Little did I realize that 5 years later, I would hold back from attempting to make friends because asking someone to hang out made me feel like a predator. That’s real life, real time.

But I want them to know. I want them to know why, and how hurtful their words were.

Yes, I liked Rob. But I thought we were good enough friends that I could show him a nice gesture. That I could give him some encouragement in a rough time. I failed all but one of my classes that semester. I needed encouragement, and if I needed it, I knew others did, too. I wasn’t the first, though. Another girl on our floor had written at least a couple notes before, and taped them to his door. Was that my mistake? That I wanted to make sure he saw it before he went to class? I can’t figure out what made it creepy when I did it, but perfectly okay that she did. I had even heard him thank her for the nice note before, so when he didn’t even acknowledge that I reach out just made me feel terrible. I don’t even know why Marlena decided to tell me what she did, either. She wasn’t the nicest girl, but I can’t imagine someone wanting to make me feel that way when I hadn’t done anything to her. It doesn’t make sense that she would have said that to benefit me, though.

I hate that this has effected me as much as it has. I asked a coworker if she wanted to share a pizza with me after work and it caused me so much anxiety. I’m constantly worried that by reaching out to people to be friends, that they are going to label me the same. I don’t know how to get over this. I try to push myself out of my comfort zone, but even when I do hang out with these people, I still get anxiety when I think about continuing trying to be friends.

I really want this to reach these guys, one way or another. It probably won’t, but I think they deserve to know how their words affect others. I think deserve to defend myself. I think anyone could benefit from reading my story, too, because we tend to talk about others in less-than-positive ways. That can really impact someone, so spread the word.

Share so maybe it will reach these guys. Share so I can defend myself. Share so others might think twice about what they say when they talk about others. Any advice? I’m open.

The Idea of Moving

13 Oct

Originally, moving was not in my game plan. Even still I’m a little reluctant.

The house I live in now kind of fell into my lap. I couldn’t have asked for a more relaxed landlord, but unfortunately I haven’t been living in my house for 7 weeks. Even that hasn’t been a driving factor, and now that I have internet at the place I’m staying, there is pressure to actual go back to reality.

And the reality of it all is that I’m worried that I’ll never be able to get my friends into my house again. I shouldn’t try to appease them, but really…that’s the only reason I have even considered looking for a new place. Everyone thinks its the best idea, and the best thing for me, but all I see is having to move a ton of furniture and stuff, and having to live with strangers and meet people all over again. It’s overwhelming, really…and now, more than ever, I worry about roommates.

If I could find a 1 bedroom house with a yard that accepts pets in my price range, I would jump on it. But that’s so, so hard to find.

What would you do? Should I appease my friends and move, or should I stick to my guns and tell them to get over it?

Dating an Introvert – Conflict

9 Jun

It’s no news that I’m an introvert. I mean, come on, I spend hours of my life alone, on my computer, writing. This can’t be a surprise.

So, to continue with yesterday’s dating theme, I was reading through some stuff on being an introvert and how to deal with us. A lot of the information hits the mark – like how you should not constantly ask us what’s wrong because we are quiet – but I found one little blurp in an article that really hit close to home.

It was about conflict.

[…] you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh – to an introvert.

I feel a little more at peace knowing that I’m not the only one who this is true for. I don’t mean to bring up an argument days later, but to me, the time in between has been spent cultivating my ideas about whatever it is I am arguing about, figuring out the most logical way to deal with the situation, and how to go about discussing it without getting mean.

Really, when I bring it up again, it’s to actually discuss the problem, come to a solution, and be happy with that solution.

And I’m a firm believer in not arguing while angry. So sue me. Here is the original, full text from the website (on the subject of conflict):

Conflict

Pros: Chances are that an introvert’s response to conflict, while slow in coming, will be a thoughtful one.

Cons: If you need to work out something right away, good luck. Introverts tend to need time for processing information before responding, so you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh — to an introvert.

Red Flag: Healthy arguments play a natural part in any relationship, but they require gaining closure of some sort for both parties. If you’re not careful and insistent on settling conflicts, nothing ever gets resolved… which can lead to resentment and distrust

You can read the full article, Tips for Dating an Introvert here.

Ever dated an introvert (or are you an introvert)? Have you ever found yourself doing this? How do you feel when your significant other brings up the topic of an argument days later?

What People Thought of Me

8 Sep

Over the past 10 years of my life, I’ve went from “everybody knew me and what I did” to “I was nobody” to “I’m important, enough”.

Going through ups and downs like that in a social perspective can be taxing, and it also puts perspective on how much people think matters: not at all. Generally, people seem to like me enough, and I don’t really think there is any reason not to like me. The people who don’t like me tend to feel that way because I’m not intimidated by them, or because of my confidence – simple things.  I also don’t usually put up with peoples crap, or kiss peoples asses justso they like me. That’s part of the “I don’t care if you like me or not” mindset.

I do have a story for you, though. Let me set the mood: I was in high school. Who was I in high school? I was involved in everything, from class President, to Student Council President, to manager of football, basketball, and track, to volunteering, to being Winter Sports Queen, and maintaining a 4.0 while taking college classes. I was that girl. I didn’t drink, I didn’t do or try drugs of any kind, and I didn’t smoke. I was a virgin then, and still am. I was pretty much the straightest arrow you could find. I was also not afraid to make a stand, though, which is usually the reason why people didn’t like me.

I dated this guy, “Dave”. His mother, for whatever reason, hated me. She really had it out for me. While I was dating Dave, my friend “Kelly” was dating Dave’s brother, “Richard”. Their mother loved this girl. Kelly and I weren’t complete opposites, but we were on different ends of the spectrum, for sure, and she had been in her share of trouble. If you talked to their mother about us, I’m sure I would sound like a trouble-making, sexual deviant and Kelly would be this sweet, innocent angel.

Although it bothered me, I got over it. I was just as nice to that woman as I was to everyone else, but it didn’t matter. Now, with Dave behind me, its amazing how I ended up way above his mothers thoughts of me. She thought I was a terrible influence, but I’m the one who is in college to become a veterinarian. I’m the one who is an independent woman, living on her own, with her life on the exact path she had planned. Richard and Kelly’s lives (although separate) definitely had huge speed bumps involving drugs, babies, and rehab.  Don’t get me wrong, Dave, Richard, and Kelly are all great people with what I can only hope are great things ahead of them, but I was always the bad one, and it was never for anything I actually did, only what they thought I was doing.

I also can’t lie: It feels great to know that I’ve proved her completely wrong, whether she is aware of the fact or not.

Have you ever risen up against what people have thought you were to prove them absolutely wrong? Ever had a significant other whose parents didn’t like you? What were their reasons?

It’s Not Your Fault, I’m Just Not Attracted to You

5 Sep

 

Attraction is everything when it come to relationships. If that guy or girl approaches you, and you don’t think they are attractive, the chances he or she has are near zero. If one is lucky enough to still get you into a conversation, there is still a shot at winning you over – that is, unless their personality is unattractive, too.

I haven’t “rejected” a vast number of men, but those I have were because I just wasn’t attracted to them. It isn’t something any of us can control, but I still feel bad about it. If you tell someone that is the reason you don’t want to date them, they feel bad too (even though its out of everyone’s control).

I won’t go into it, but there are certain things I just don’t find attractive. Nothing is ever 100%, but most of the time these things hold. I think it is unfair to expect everyone to be attracted to everyone else, but let me make it clear that it doesn’t mean that you are ugly, just because I’m not attracted to you. I base it in biology, because sexuality and attraction are definitely physiologically based. It is along the same principles of why some men naturally smell great, and other men naturally smell like they woke up in a garbage can. Those same garbage can men smell great to other people.

Why do you think people seem so hurt when you aren’t attracted to them? Do you think we could stop feeling so hurt if we just thought about the basis of attraction more? What are you not attracted to?

Dating a Friend’s Ex

3 Sep

 

Its a really big thing in middle school and high school, but I can’t be sure about college and life outside of school entirely. Its like an unspoken rule: you should never date your friend’s, especially best friend’s, ex-boyfriend.

I kind of have a problem with that. Just because your friend’s ex wasn’t right for her, doesn’t mean he is wrong for you, and limiting your options isn’t fair to you. I understand that your friend might feel hurt, but life goes on.

Is this really a rule people follow after high school? Is it okay to date a friend ex?

Lowering My Expectations

23 Aug

 

One of the first things anyone says when they hear that I don’t have a boyfriend and have been single for three and a half years is that I need to lower my expectations (because apparently they are so outrageously high that no one can meet them). I was thinking about this exact statement after my mom used it, and decided to put this to my readers. Here is a list of my expectations:

1. Must be at least mildly attractive

2. Must have a degree or is working toward one

3. Must have a good job or is working toward one and/or has a direction in life (see above)

4. Doesn’t smoke or do drugs

5. Drinks at most occasionally and does so responsibly

This is, of course, in addition to things that actually make a relationship work. I’d also like to have similar interests and the time spent together to be enjoyable, but I think everyone wants those things.

Are my expectations too high? If so, how should I lower them? What are your expectations for a significant other?

You’re Sexy…But Your Car is Hideous

16 Aug

 

If there is one thing I know, its that men and women alike are attracted to nice cars. They may not seek out owning one equally, but if you see a nice car, you can’t help but take notice.

A car can also say a lot about who a person is. A friend of mine once sat in my car, which was a complete disaster at the time, and said that you can tell I like animals and that I’m busy and on the go (there were others, but I forgot what exactly she said). What she said was true, and even the type of car I have says something about who I am. I like to go fast, enjoy driving, like the basics, and like the environment, too.

Cars can also mean a lot when you are dating. If first impressions mean a lot, then the car you pull up in to pick up that girl you are trying to get to fall in love with you can be imperative. But how important is it, really? Sure, if a guy pulls up in a fancy, new car to pick me up, then not only can I assume that he is doing well for himself, but my mind is allowed to run wild with all the fun places that car can take us. I can’t say that I have a problem if the opposite is true about his car, though. Growing up, I didn’t have air conditioning in the house, or in the car. The tape player didn’t work, and neither did the radio. It still isn’t a big deal, because it reminds me of the simple things in life, like enjoying a conversation with the wind blowing through my hair.

How important is the sexiness the car of a date/significant other? If your date rolls up in a piece of junk to pick you up, what is your initial impression? Would you be less likely to date this person long-term? How big of a turn off is it?

What if the person who owns the piece of junk car is only driving it because of reasons beyond his control? Does it change your mind?

What is your general opinion of people who drive crappy cars (without taking relationship to the person into consideration)?

My First Time: Blow-dryer

17 Jul

 

All of you ladies out there who can’t figure out how to correctly blow-dry your hair…you are not alone!

Okay, so maybe I’m the only one who hasn’t mastered the art of blow-drying, but you’d think it wouldn’t have taken me 22 years to successfully blow dry my hair.

Usually when I try to blow dry my hair, it always gets hideously poofy and frizzy and the texture is weird. It feels like I’ve slathered on about a gallon of hairspray and then brushed it out. This has happened multiple times. Yesterday, I washed my hair in the bathtub instead of the shower and I only shampooed once. Then, I got up, towel dried my hair as best I could, and grabbed the blow-dryer. I don’t know if it was one or a number of these or if I just got lucky, but this is what I did different (other than how I washed my hair):

-didn’t let my hair air dry at all
-alternated between cool and hot
-held the dryer against the brush

So…if you are blow-dryer stupid like I am, maybe those could help? I don’t know. But my hair came out with volume and was super soft AND manageable.

Whats your blow-drying secret? Any tips for an all around good experience? Are you blow-dryer challenged like me?