An Open Letter to Any Guy That’s Sent Me A Dick Pic (NSFW, Obviously)

18 Feb

Ever. Or wanted to send me a dick pic. Or has sent any other woman an unsolicited picture of your genitalia. To any guy that has whipped out his dong in front of me. And any dude who thought it was okay to tell me any number of reasons why I needed his penis in or around my body. 

 

Dear member of the male sex,

One could only hope to call you a gentleman, because for the aforementioned reasons I guarantee that you are not, in fact, a gentleman.

My only fault in this weird, I-say-hi-and-you-respond-by-showing-me-your-wiener relationship was trying to create an atmosphere that you could express yourself, without fear of judgment. Without fear of condemnation or exile.

I was wrong. I know that now.

You could have sent me a tasteful picture of your tattoo, or a nice selfie of you and your dog (or cat *swoon*), or even a mirror-picture of you lifting up your shirt in  your bathroom. Any of those would have gotten me off more quickly than a picture of that dangly thing between your legs. And let me just say, no woman on earth needs a picture of a limp dick. Ever. That’s not even last on the list of things we want a surprise picture of. It didn’t even make the list, actually.

I’ll also say that the phrase “What’s up?”, however tempting, is not an invitation for you to immediately send a picture of your boner to me.  Nor is “Whew. I thought that was going to be a dick pic”.

As I admit fault to you, I will acknowledge that I may have also been lying to myself. I should have been the judgmental bitch God created me as, so I’ll say this: Yes, your fantasies are weird. No, I don’t like it. Your dong isn’t any more exciting than any other dudes dong. If I wanted to touch it, this wouldn’t be a text conversation. No, your penis is not the biggest penis I’ve ever seen. Yes, it could be the smallest.  Your massive untamed bush isn’t helping anything. To the boyfriends – I don’t appreciate the sentiment. 

And my ass? It is perfectly able to be handled by folks other than long, strong, black men. Free tip: opening doors, complimenting me, saying please and thank you, and taking a genuine interest in my hobbies is a great way to handle this ass (note: I said nothing about length, strength, or monochromatism, however, being a man is a requirement for handling this ass).

P.S. I have retained copies of every cock-ridden text I’ve ever received, just in case you piss me off at some point in the future.

Forever yours,
Not-interested-in-your-disembodied-dong

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8 Responses to “An Open Letter to Any Guy That’s Sent Me A Dick Pic (NSFW, Obviously)”

  1. buddy71 February 18, 2015 at 9:56 pm #

    Whew! ! Glad I read this before I hit the send button. Lol. ;) as if I even had your number to send anything let alone a photo of my junk. Lol
    Fyi, I have had women send pics of their vaginas unasked for . Lol

    • mishie1 February 18, 2015 at 10:04 pm #

      that is just weird.

    • mishie1 February 18, 2015 at 10:08 pm #

      One time I went through a friends phone when I was 17 and found a picture of her lady bits. Scarred. For. LIFE.

  2. thecuriousbum February 19, 2015 at 12:04 am #

    I see that in dating site personal descriptions sometimes, about getting dick pics. Seems like a desperate move.

  3. L February 19, 2015 at 1:23 pm #

    Why do people think it’s remotely appropriate to send pictures of their genitals? I don’t get it.

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