Archive | February, 2015
Aside 28 Feb

I would make sweet, sweet love to David Duchovny. And by “sweet, sweet love” I mean I would fuck him so hard.

Nudity: It’s an Age Thing

27 Feb

Being naked. We all do it, quite frequently, if you think about it.

But what about getting older makes us more prone to taking our clothes off?

When I was little, I feel like for sleep-overs or just in general, kids take off their clothes like its no big deal. Hell, I was always naked as a kid. But then, even though teenagers are in this hyper-sexual state, they seem reluctant to taking there clothes off. I remember when I was probably 15, my best guy friend refused to take his pants off to jump into the pool until none of us were looking.

Now, at the age of 25, I feel like I’ve seen more friends and people naked than ever before. When you go to the gym, you see old ladies running around naked like it ain’t no thang all the time.

Butt ass naked old ladies.

Even I feel a change, and I have no idea when it happened. I tend to be the person who, if you ask, I will say you don’t get to see me without my clothes on unless we are intimate, because I don’t take my clothes off. And suddenly, I’m like here, let me take my shirt off (for reasons XYZ…I don’t just run around naked for no good reason, unless that reason is lounging around the house without pants on).

I just went to some hot springs with a couple of girl friends, and we were disappointed it was clothing-mandatory.

Maybe it is because during puberty, everyone’s bodies are in this weird limbo. Maybe as we get older we get more comfortable with what we look like under our clothes. Maybe, you reach an age in which you just don’t give a fuck. We call that the “I do what I want!” phase of life.

Can you relate? Why do we revert back to this childhood phase of being without clothes? Do you walk around butt ass naked in the locker room after a swim or a workout? 

Aside 19 Feb

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An Open Letter to Any Guy That’s Sent Me A Dick Pic (NSFW, Obviously)

18 Feb

Ever. Or wanted to send me a dick pic. Or has sent any other woman an unsolicited picture of your genitalia. To any guy that has whipped out his dong in front of me. And any dude who thought it was okay to tell me any number of reasons why I needed his penis in or around my body. 


Dear member of the male sex,

One could only hope to call you a gentleman, because for the aforementioned reasons I guarantee that you are not, in fact, a gentleman.

My only fault in this weird, I-say-hi-and-you-respond-by-showing-me-your-wiener relationship was trying to create an atmosphere that you could express yourself, without fear of judgment. Without fear of condemnation or exile.

I was wrong. I know that now.

You could have sent me a tasteful picture of your tattoo, or a nice selfie of you and your dog (or cat *swoon*), or even a mirror-picture of you lifting up your shirt in  your bathroom. Any of those would have gotten me off more quickly than a picture of that dangly thing between your legs. And let me just say, no woman on earth needs a picture of a limp dick. Ever. That’s not even last on the list of things we want a surprise picture of. It didn’t even make the list, actually.

I’ll also say that the phrase “What’s up?”, however tempting, is not an invitation for you to immediately send a picture of your boner to me.  Nor is “Whew. I thought that was going to be a dick pic”.

As I admit fault to you, I will acknowledge that I may have also been lying to myself. I should have been the judgmental bitch God created me as, so I’ll say this: Yes, your fantasies are weird. No, I don’t like it. Your dong isn’t any more exciting than any other dudes dong. If I wanted to touch it, this wouldn’t be a text conversation. No, your penis is not the biggest penis I’ve ever seen. Yes, it could be the smallest.  Your massive untamed bush isn’t helping anything. To the boyfriends – I don’t appreciate the sentiment. 

And my ass? It is perfectly able to be handled by folks other than long, strong, black men. Free tip: opening doors, complimenting me, saying please and thank you, and taking a genuine interest in my hobbies is a great way to handle this ass (note: I said nothing about length, strength, or monochromatism, however, being a man is a requirement for handling this ass).

P.S. I have retained copies of every cock-ridden text I’ve ever received, just in case you piss me off at some point in the future.

Forever yours,

The Weirdest Place I’ve Ever Pottied

10 Feb

Leave it to me to have went to the bathroom in random and sketchy places.

Unless you do that all the time, too…then it’s either a weird societal thing OR we should be best friends.

I’ve used mountain outhouses when my toilet was clogged, metal toilets that felt like icicles, back-of-the-house unheated liquor-store and otherwise non-public restrooms, and even urged a couple of friends to use park bathrooms that looked like someone was murdered in…

But this has to be the weirdest.

Also in character, I was in a costume shop that wasn’t anything less than sketchy with a friend who had just happened upon it. There were piles of shoes (very literally) for sale, things draped off of hooks that probably should have been in packages, and it was dingy and cold (really cool stuff, otherwise!). I was planning on holding it until we went to Wal-Mart, as I knew this place wouldn’t have a public bathroom.

Then, nature hit. Had to go or I was going to go in my pants. I, very urgently, asked the lady who was watching over the shop if she by chance had a restroom I could use. She said that it wasn’t in the best condition and she isn’t supposed to, but that she would make an exception. I turned around to go to the back of the store, but lo and behold…this bathroom was 2 doors down.

She takes me outside and two doors down (we were in a strip mall..thing) and we walk into the other half of the store – unmanned, mind you – which rents costumes instead of selling them. Absolutely no heating in THIS part. We walk to the back of the store and she shows me the bathroom.

Not only was there no heating, but there wasn’t a light.

Or a door.

Just a drape. And a toilet. And the drape didn’t even cover the door…it was just tacked up and hanging limp to one side. She then tells me that the water doesn’t really work.

Cue blank stare.

Then she assures me the toilet works fine, but I won’t be able to wash my hands. Fabulous.

So, she leaves me be. What I can only assume was the door to the bathroom was leaning against the wall, opposite of the curtain, so I pulled the other edge of the curtain and tried to drape it on the door. Unfortunately, that didn’t work, so I had to actually move the door and lay it back down on the curtain.

Had anyone come my way, they would have been able to easily see me over the top of the curtain.

Luckily enough there was toilet paper…and she didn’t lie about the toilet flushing.

And THAT, my friends, is the weirdest place I’ve ever went to the bathroom.

Have you went to the bathroom in any strange places? What was the strangest?

Aside 1 Feb

I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand this. Every year I wish a fellow whom I haven’t talked to in about 4 (maybe 5) years “Happy Birthday”. Not sure why I do it still. But I do.