Death: Logic & Reason VS. Feelings & Emotion

27 Oct

I tend to be a very logical person. A great example (at least to me) was the time that I blacked out in a hotel. Once I started to come to, my first full thought was “Please don’t need to go to the doctor to get IV fluids”.

Or, when I get broken up with or rejected or anything of that nature, I always acknowledge that it’s okay if you don’t like me. It is. You can’t force anyone to like you or to love you, and we don’t have control over our feelings.

I do tend to be a very sensitive individual, too. I don’t have any great examples for that one, so you’ll just have to trust me.

With death, and this may be a “me” thing or an “everyone” thing, I find that these two seemingly contradictory processes makes dealing difficult.

My dad has officially been placed on hospice care. The treatment for his cancer is too hard on his body, and he has been given only a couple of months to live. I can only hope that is a conservative guess, and that he might have something closer to 4 or 6 months.

Being faced with my father passing soon, I find myself conflicted. I just don’t know how to feel.

Death is probably the most logical, reasonable, and expected thing in life. We know it’s coming from the second we know what death is. It happens to everyone and everything, and the only thing we don’t necessarily know is when and how. Because it is such a logical thing, I feel like I’m being somewhat cold to the situation. Of course I think it is too soon, and if I had a choice my dad wouldn’t have to leave me, but he does. If it wasn’t soon, it would be later, and it would still happen. It  will happen to my mom and my sister, and eventually me and my husband. My nieces and nephews. All of us.

But like I said, I’m a sensitive soul. I’m torn up that I’m losing my father. He won’t get to walk my down the aisle when I get married. He won’t see me get my next degree. I won’t be able to take care of him when he gets older and I have the ability. There are so many times I turn to my father to make me feel accepted, and happy, and justified in my feelings. I feel frustrated with myself when I start being logical about the situation.

I’m stuck in the middle. One part of me says that I should stay strong and carry on, that feeling overwhelmingly sad is unnecessary. The other part of me says that I should quit my job and glue myself to my dad’s side until he passes and that there should be no moment that I’m not crying.  One part says that it is time to accept what is happening and the other part says do not accept defeat – you aren’t ready to lose Dad yet.

On one hand, I’m quite fortunate to be able to sort these things out [somewhat] before he passes, but on the other, it gives me more time to think things over too much.

How do you deal with death? Do you reason yourself through it, or do you just let the emotion flow? Is this a weird “me” thing, or is this an “everyone” thing? With the death you’ve had to deal with, was it sudden or did you prepare prior to it’s occurrence? 

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4 Responses to “Death: Logic & Reason VS. Feelings & Emotion”

  1. Diana October 27, 2014 at 11:06 pm #

    Hang in there. I hate that you’re going through this. I’m all for taking every bit of time you have and spending it with those you love.

  2. fadingsunlight October 27, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

    I think it’s an “everyone” thing. Five and a half years ago I lost my grandfather; he was also my father figure in my life and a damned good one. At 72 years old, he had Parkinson’s and the dementia that goes with it. Logic dictates that he wasn’t going to live forever. And I was, outwardly, pretty stoic. My biological mother and aunts all have a flare for the dramatic — the moment that anyone so much as sniffled, they would burst into loud, hysterical sobs. I knew grandpa didn’t like it when they did that; while he was in hospice and even at his funeral that held me back from showing any emotion. I stand by that choice; I would rather they all gossip about me being “heartless” than have stressed him out in the hospice with their wails.

    Inside though, I wasn’t ready to lose grandpa. I regretted my late teen years when I had very little to do with the family – and therefore, him. (It seems like the moment that I would visit, one of my aunts would show up and there was always drama. I couldn’t deal with it.) I knew that his entering the hospice care center in his case that he would have two weeks, max. I lived an hour and a half away and worked full-time, so I only got to visit once. Because of the situation with my mother and aunts…I think he would have understood.

    I’ve also been through “sudden” deaths a few times in my life time. For me, those were harder. You don’t get the chance to visit “one last time.” They’re just gone. That’s a hard thing for the mind to wrap around; particularly in the cases of car accidents and suicides involving younger people. “Gone? How can he be gone? He was just here and he was only [17, 21, etc.]! He isn’t supposed to be ‘gone’!”

    In a ‘would you rather’ situation where the only options are “know it’s coming” or “sudden” though, I think I would pick sudden. There’s something comforting in knowing that the person at least didn’t suffer. The hospices seem to do a good job of making people physically comfortable, but I know I worried that my grandfather was laying there, in his few moments of lucidness, just thinking about the fact that he was dying and that he would soon be dead. :-/

    I’m sorry that you and your family are experiencing this! *hugs*

  3. thecuriousbum October 28, 2014 at 12:12 am #

    My heart goes out to you, Michelle. I wouldn’t be prepared to lose my dad yet, either. It’s only been somewhat-distant grandparents I’ve lost so far. No reasoning can take away the sadness; just do what brings you joy, pass on memories and so forth <3

  4. thecuriousbum October 28, 2014 at 12:14 am #

    Reblogged this on TheCuriousBum and commented:
    Give Michelle some support.

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