The Struggle is Real: A Rant About Tampons

15 Sep

Let me start off by saying fellas…this isn’t for you. Unless you want to hear me talk candidly about my lady bits. Then sure. Enjoy (even though you’ll probably turn away horrified very shortly).

Ladies…you know what I don’t get?

Cardboard fucking tampons. Amiright?

When I was 15, I used my first ever cardboard tampon and it was literally the size of a baby’s arm. Seriously, tampon manufacturers (who can only be men because I don’t know why a woman would torture another woman like this)? You expect a 15 year old girl to shove a cardboard tube the size of an arm up her vagina? Right. Okay.

So yes, I was 15 and I suddenly started my period while I was hours away from home, with only a convenience store at my disposal and no money. Forced to beg my friend’s mom for mercy, all she had was this huge ass tampon, so naturally I had to oblige.

I went into the bathroom, dropped my pants and sat down, and pulled apart the paper on this thing that looked like it had no business being shoved anywhere. And 1…2…3…

Nothing.

My hand wasn’t strong enough to put the damn thing in. So now I’m sitting in a gas station bathroom, pants around my ankles with this cardboard torture device that I can’t do anything with because someone decided they needed to pack 2 baby arms worth of cotton into a single baby arm sized cardboard tube.

The natural thing to do at this point would seem to be to give up. But you know what you can’t do? Give up. Because you are bleeding out of your god damn vagina.

Two hands it is.

I reach down with my left hand to hold it in place, and push with my right hand (you see, I’m right-handed). 1…2…3…

Nothing.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I don’t have a third hand, tampon manufacturers. I swear to god you need two hands to hold that shit in place. Of course the cardboard is just papery enough to get dry your vajajay to something likened to a desert, but is just plastic-y enough so that those “grips” don’t even come close and you find yourself ramming this thing into your cervix, desperately hoping the cotton part is coming out.

It was like wrestling a bear. Fucking feel like Chuck Norris after that. AND WHAT, TAMPON!?

I vowed to never in my life use one of those horrible things ever, ever again.

But for some reason, every time I need a tampon, the person who has one only has CARDBOARD.

Hello crazy cardboard tampon women…2014 rang and they said IT’S CALLED PLASTIC. Your vagina will thank you. Unless you already ripped it off. In which case I’m glad because you use CARDBOARD TAMPONS!

So please ladies…ditch the cardboard tampons. And tampon manufacturers…stop making them. Thanks.

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5 Responses to “The Struggle is Real: A Rant About Tampons”

  1. erikamsteele September 15, 2014 at 9:16 pm #

    LOL. I thought I was the only one. Cardboard applicators definitely have a learning curve. I have never told anyone how long I struggled with learning to work cardboard applicators. It took me like 2 years and still on occasion I get the cardboard applicator that couldn’t (be applied).

    I think the reason we only have cardboard applicators to give other people is because the only reason we have them in our purses, drawers at work, glove compartments etc is because we buy them in an emergency and just leave them there. I certainly would never give one to another woman if I had another one.

  2. fadingsunlight September 16, 2014 at 7:36 pm #

    I’ve never been able to decide which is worse; cardboard or the ones that don’t have an applicator. Yes, I TOTALLY want to come out of a bathroom stall looking like a slaughtered a baby calf. >.<

    • mishie1 September 17, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

      Lord Jesus don’t even get me STARTED on the ones without applicators!

      I tried to use one of those once and my vagina just gave up and fell off. Had to crawl around on the floor chasing it just to get it back.

      Those bastards are AWFUL!

    • mishie1 September 17, 2014 at 9:15 pm #

      I should also mention that it is good to hear from you..I was thinking about how I hadn’t

      • fadingsunlight September 18, 2014 at 8:55 am #

        <3 Now that I'm thinking about it, I think you're one of the people that fell through the cracks when I switched over my FB accounts. :'(

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