Dating an Introvert – Conflict

9 Jun

It’s no news that I’m an introvert. I mean, come on, I spend hours of my life alone, on my computer, writing. This can’t be a surprise.

So, to continue with yesterday’s dating theme, I was reading through some stuff on being an introvert and how to deal with us. A lot of the information hits the mark – like how you should not constantly ask us what’s wrong because we are quiet – but I found one little blurp in an article that really hit close to home.

It was about conflict.

[…] you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh – to an introvert.

I feel a little more at peace knowing that I’m not the only one who this is true for. I don’t mean to bring up an argument days later, but to me, the time in between has been spent cultivating my ideas about whatever it is I am arguing about, figuring out the most logical way to deal with the situation, and how to go about discussing it without getting mean.

Really, when I bring it up again, it’s to actually discuss the problem, come to a solution, and be happy with that solution.

And I’m a firm believer in not arguing while angry. So sue me. Here is the original, full text from the website (on the subject of conflict):


Pros: Chances are that an introvert’s response to conflict, while slow in coming, will be a thoughtful one.

Cons: If you need to work out something right away, good luck. Introverts tend to need time for processing information before responding, so you might find yourself revisiting an argument from three days ago as if it were still fresh. It IS fresh — to an introvert.

Red Flag: Healthy arguments play a natural part in any relationship, but they require gaining closure of some sort for both parties. If you’re not careful and insistent on settling conflicts, nothing ever gets resolved… which can lead to resentment and distrust

You can read the full article, Tips for Dating an Introvert here.

Ever dated an introvert (or are you an introvert)? Have you ever found yourself doing this? How do you feel when your significant other brings up the topic of an argument days later?


15 Responses to “Dating an Introvert – Conflict”

  1. archfriar June 4, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    There’s much to be said for not arguing while angry. Things can be said that cant be taken back and that means your gf has that as ammunition to use against you later.
    I don’t like that label ‘introvert.’ It’s so vague it means nothing. With that label comes the connotation that ‘introverts’ are somehow inferior, unsocialized, immature, frightened, gauche, etc. and that it’s better to be an ‘extrovert,’ whatever that means.
    I have no problem rehashing if it’s to clear something up. As long as it’s not just to fight again because they’re bored.

    • Joel Suttles June 4, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      Introverts are what they are. It sounds to me like your interpretation of the word is negative. Perhaps because you are very introverted and maybe you don’t want to be…I don’t know. I’m just guessing based on the many introverts I know. Most of them don’t like being introverted. It seems lately there are lot more people talking about it and many introverts are feeling better about who/what they are. If you can’t change it, embrace it. There’s nothing wrong with it just as there is nothing wrong with being an extrovert.

      I’m actually finding as I age I am moving more toward introversion and I have always been an extreme extrovert. I have to say it’s a bit difficulty…the change. I feel like something is missing.

      • archfriar June 4, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

        I guess I’ve heard it thrown around in a negative way.

      • mishie1 June 5, 2013 at 1:36 am #

        Interesting. You’re the second person who has sensed a negative energy about introversion from this blog, and I couldn’t feel any more the opposite! Not sure what I said for that opinion to be the popular one, but I love being an introvert, and as such I find extroverts tiring.

        I prefer to be very thoughtful and calculated, and so when I argue, for example, it’s hard for me to say anything in the moment because I haven’t completely taken everything into account that could affect the outcome.

    • mishie1 June 5, 2013 at 1:33 am #

      That’s interesting. As an introvert, I definitely feel like the extrovert is the inferior of the two, even though that isn’t true, either.

      I’ve found the best definition to be “an introvert loses energy when with a crowd, and gains it when alone, while an extrovert gains energy when with a crowd, and loses it when alone”.

  2. autumnstrength June 4, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

    I’m an introvert. I do exactly that – figure out exactly what I think and how I feel about an argument or issue a few days down the line, and then I need to try to resolve it. If I argue on the spot, I just say things I regret later, or I regret not saying certain things I wish I had.

    • mishie1 June 5, 2013 at 1:37 am #

      I don’t necessarily regret my choice in words, but if I do argue on the spot you’re exactly right – I almost always wish I would have said different things or things differently.

  3. purplepoet7 June 4, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    I do that, too. It takes me a long time to process and decide how to approach an issue.

  4. Steve June 5, 2013 at 12:28 am #

    Much can be said about a person who doesn’t argue, but if you don’t stand your ground, it is unhealthy and can result in an even bigger problem than the one originally at hand. Introverts, in my opinion go well together in relationships, I kind of know, seeing as I am one.

  5. SlackerSociety June 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    I’m an introvert (INTJ) and do these things. However, I have extroverted tendencies so sometimes the processing time is shorter.

    • mishie1 June 5, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

      Check that out…I think I’m INTJ too!

  6. quirkyintrovert June 7, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

    I’m an introvert (obviously) and it does take me a few days to process things or come up with a comeback.

    I thought that point about not constantly asking if something is wrong was interesting. Before people know that I’m quiet, they’ll ask, but after a few times they’ll stop. When something is wrong, I tend to be even more quiet than usual, but other people don’t pick up on that.

  7. Daniel (doubledb) June 10, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    • mishie1 June 10, 2013 at 5:21 pm #

      Did this just blow your mind or what? Haha

  8. ssj3matenks June 15, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    Glad you shared that, I too thought I was the only one like this.

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